When you are used to people belittling you from your childhood on to your 20's, it can be tough to think that you are fully out of that radar of bullying. There are always bits and pieces that are left with you causing you to live a life of PTSD whenever you are exposed to anyone. But that is the battle that arises after you have fully learned to accept that you cannot change people, you can only change how you react to their ways. Then fear grabs you by the hands like a child grabbing hold of their parent's leg not to go but you know you must. It's when the new battle starts.
There is a difference between knowing your worth and learning to find your worth. One states that you know what you are worth. The other, that you are willing to find out how much you are worth because you haven't known for God knows how long and you are sick and tired of living in the unknown. But those moments when you just want to escape and cry, listen to music or write, that is where your magic starts to flow all over the room. You become ignorant of your worth. Or in better words, blinded. In moments like those, you hold deep in your heart that you aren't worthy, but the art that is you says otherwise. You are so convinced that you are not liked or loved based on the PTSD of those bullying days but, do you remember when you said that you were willing to accept the things you could not change? You're the only person keeping yourself in this mindset.
See, in moments of "defeat" we blame ourselves. We say we aren't strong enough and that we are not worthy of the "prize," but why can't we think maybe this battle that you were fighting in wasn't just intended for yourself? Fate was showing me that I did not belong here so I "lost" the battle. Life then got you into a new battle. The one that was indeed intended for you. The one that will make all your dreams come true, those which you wrote about in those journals. But, you know what? There is something else that you have to learn to accept, something else that you cannot change. It's the beauty you carry, the worth in your soul, the brightness in your heart. The truth is, you always knew this, you just wanted others to see it first. What is life trying to show you is that you need to see for yourself first?
Remember when people would say, "the more you say something, the more you believe it?" Maybe you have gone through a lifetime of people saying horrible things to you or displaying distasteful conduct towards you that you ended up believing it, but now you need to give yourself some self-affirmations. So much so that you start believing them. Outnumber the enemies with self-love. That way, you can start winning the biggest battle you have ever had to go through which is learning to love your own light. This will help you reach your goals and attract the people that were meant to be in your life in the first place.
Personally, for me, writing this is therapy. Sometimes we need to write down our feelings to be able to hear ourselves through our own perspective. Think about it, if you see others as important to you, why can't you see yourself just as important? If you can see other people's light, why can't you see yours? We are all going through our own battles, but that doesn't mean we should condone bad behavior or hurtful behavior. But with the knowledge that people go through hell, much like you, should be enough to show them the good side of life. Learn to accept the things you can't change and learn to value yourself as much as you value others because you are just as worthy.
Life is hard but that doesn't mean you should make it harder based on past pain. Sometimes our own thoughts make the wounds in our hearts get deeper and deeper while life is trying to heal it. The mind is a powerful thing and we should train it to think well of anything in life. Don't cause pain anymore, not to you, not to others, not to anything for it will be even harder to get back up from that fall.
