We all get those new-person butterflies when our phone buzzes with a text from the new person in our life. Before anything serious can come of it, though, a series of phases have to be completed before we can know if this is the real deal.
Phase 1: Middle School Interrogation
When you start talking to someone new, there needs to be a "getting to know each other" process. In middle school, most kids played 20 Questions. These usually consisted of “What base have you been to?” or “Do you like like anyone?” As we get older, in a way, we still play 20 Questions, but we just ask different questions. "What base?" transforms into "What’s your number?” and "Do you like like anyone?" turns into "Have you ever loved someone?" When talking to someone new, this is often the stage that is most noticed because both sides usually text back and forth for entire days on end.
Phase 2: Playful Banter
This is another phase that has transformed since middle school. Once you have gotten to know this new person, you switch to joking discussions, teasing each other. These conversations transform from “I’m going to hug you in the hallway tomorrow, but you won’t know when it’s coming!” to more overtly sexual things, as we get older. This is the time when boundaries are crossed and limits are tested. If all flirting goes well at this stage, then the relationship can move on from behind a screen to face to face. This stage is not usually known by others because most conversations happen at night or in private to avoid an awkward encounter with a family member or friend.
Phase 3: Physical Meeting
Even if you have known this person your whole life, or if you see them every day, when you are “talking” to them, seeing them face to face becomes completely different. When you start to speak to or see each other in public, this can be seen as “the next step.” This is when both sides acknowledge that the relationship with the other side is changing or has changed. Depending on how often you hang out or who knows about it, this is when people are usually labeled “a thing.” “A thing” is the la-la-land between being friends and dating. This area can include "friends with benefits" as well as other complicated relationships. This final phase is the true test of compatibility with each other and each other's friends.
Call me old school, but every time I start talking to someone new, I still find myself going through these steps. Whether that is planned or just a force of habit, I'm not sure, but they have definitely kept me from making some bad partner choices. And for that, I am forever grateful.
