I used to be at a healthy weight till I reached the age of 16. The summer going into my Junior year of highschool I completely exploded and went on to weigh over 200 pounds, and let me tell you. I was not and still am not proud of it. I mean who would be. Who would be proud of going to a store and trying on clothes that don't compliment your body type anymore or not fitting in the Juniors section or the misses section, you have to shop plus size now. And boys don't like big girls. They just don't. And if they do happen to like you.. when they tell you you're beautiful and tell you they like your stretch marks you don't believe it; because who would love my lonjas (love handles)? If looking into a mirror and seeing my round face and chubby cheeks everyday wasn't enough, people constantly reminded me of how big I was.. like I get it. I'm not as healthy as I used to be or look as good as I used to. People constantly reminding me of my imperfections only made me even more depressed than I already was because of personal situations I was going through, and only caused me to blow up even more. Like I FUCKING understand I'm big.. you really don't have to constantly remind me. I SEE MYSELF EVERYDAY IN THE MIRROR AND YOU THINK I ACCEPT MYSELF THIS WAY? I don't. But literally the words that were constantly thrown at me didn't help me. You acted as if they were encourangement well they weren't. They just made me deteriorate even more. I just ate and ate and ate and ate, and I didn't work out and I didn't care about how I looked because no one cared enough to care about me or say kind words to me.

I remember getting shocked when I first started dating my first real boyfriend. Like wow this guy actually likes me despite my weight and despite how thick my thighs were and despite my round face and chubby cheeks. He didn't throw insults at me like other guys did or tell me that I was gross looking, in fact he told me I was beautiful and complimented my other features like my wild "lioness" hair as he called it, my eyes, my lips.. he thought I was beautiful. So I took him accepting my flaws and amplifying my other features as settling. I remember thinking I didn't have to change a thing because this guy loved me and he showed me that he did despite everything that I started to believe that I was pretty.. but deep down I wasn't content with the way I was. Clearly neither was he. I don't like putting my business out there, but most people reading this already know I got cheated on. Of course I made mistakes dealing with him since then, but that's my business and my choice; however, what most people don't know that during one of our arguements following that event he went out to call me out for not wanting to "Help myself" and I show no signs of "Improving the way I am because I don't look good to him anymore." And I think that's the part that stung because I felt like everytime he told me I was beautiful, it was all a lie. So as a reprecussion of that I didn't eat for like a week and I really started to reevaluate myself and decided to make a change for myself.

At first I didn't eat because I thought that was an easier solution than to change my diet or work out, but that wasn't healthy. I just wasn't happy with myself. I changed the way I did my make up and stuff and amped myself up to look prettier but I wasn't healthier, and living at the dorm and living of ramen noodles cooked in a coffee maker wasn't the best diet to have. It wasn't till I left the dorms that I really started losing weight. I was suffering from panic attacks frequently and was quickly diagnosed with anxiety, I remember I had no appetite for weeks and had to force myself to eat. I'd eat food that was good for me because I read that eating a healthier diet improved your anxiety. I cut caffeine out of my diet, and it sucked because I cut it cold turkey and I loved coffee. I loved coffee so much and I still do, the aroma haunts me everyday at work and I constantly crave it. I cut chocolate out because chocolate contains caffeine even if it's minimal and I just couldn't deal with just the smallest trigger. I cut a lot of things out, not because they were bad for me, but because I didn't wanna consume food that made me more susceptible to heart attacks or any type of attack. I feared for my life, because I felt that one day one of my panic attacks could be something else and I just mistook it. It's a demon of mine, and it stills haunts me but I don't really get panic attacks anymore thanks to therapy. I also started walking more to clear my mind, and they helped me cope with my panic attacks. I just developed healthier habits to deal with my situation which caused me to lose weight and caused me to be healthier. I'm still working on it though.

I've also gone as far as downloading an app to count my calories and carbs and stuff in order to maintain the healthy lifestyle I'm leading. I've progressed a lot. I'm proud of myself too, because I did it for myself. Not for anyone else. And I'm not really that fat girl anymore, I mean I'm not skinny, but I'm a lot better than where I was. I've improved a lot. And so has my mental health, and my relationships with people. It was just a lifestyle change I guess. I'm glad it happened, or else I would've been stuck where I was.

This is not to shame anyone, but to encourage on changing your lifestyle to be better for yourself. Not for anyone else. Love yourself for who you are and if you don't then do it till you're able to accept yourself.