Sometimes it's really hard to be friends with someone who has depression. I'm not an expert on depression, but I've been both the depressed person and the friend of, and I know neither role is easy. So here is a thank you to the people in my life who are there for me no matter what.
I want to start by clarifying that for me, and for many others when I say depression I'm talking about clinical depression. It isn't just being sad or feeling down for a few days. It's something constantly there, something that won't truly go away with therapy or medication. Depression isn't pretty by any means. When I'm at my worst, I'm self-loathing, unmotivated, melancholy, and downright mean. My usual laughable sass turns snarky and pointed. It is not fun to be friends with someone who seems to just be sitting there, waiting to get pissed off at you. And yet, even at my worst, I still have friends.
And my friends handle my depression so gracefully. You tell me I'm fine, and that being my friend isn't just a huge burden in your life. You remind me that when I'm not depressed I'm funny and fun to be around and that regardless of my mood, I'm still a caring and kind individual. Plus, you even let me get mad at you, knowing that it isn't you I'm mad at, it's just that I'm just mad at the way my brain is currently processing and handling things. Most importantly, though, you call me out. You don't let me use my depression as an excuse to be a shitty person. Instead, you recognize when I'm struggling and you treat me with compassion as I try and get through the rough times.
When a friend is struggling with depression, it's easy to feel useless. You want to help, but what can you do? When I'm at my worst I spend my time tearing down friend's suggestions, ignoring their ideas, and ruminating on every bad thing that is happening, has happened, and will happen. I'm not fun to be around and I know it. So I end up apologizing. I often apologize too much. I'm sorry for not responding to your texts, for not doing my fair share of housework, or for being too self-involved. I'm sorry that I can't be truly happy for you and all of your accomplishments because it takes all my energy to just get out of bed some mornings. I even apologize for apologizing so much.
So I want to thank you for telling me to stop apologizing. I want to thank you for responding to my late next texts questioning why I'm feeling the way I'm feeling and how I can't make it stop. I thank you for reminding me of the good things in life and continuing to show me that I'm deserving of love and compassion. Most importantly, I want to thank you for alleviating the guilt I feel when I need your help more than usual. You may not be able to see how much your friendship helps me and others suffering from depression, but I am grateful and thankful for it every day.
