For years I have battled racing thoughts and constant sweaty, shaky hands. Hiding behind the mask of a mental disorder hoping no one will notice that I’m not just a “restless soul.” I’ve lost close friends because I simply couldn’t put into words why I didn’t want to try new things or go to new places. People have gotten frustrated with me and my inability to keep a simple schedule, to relax and just let loose. So many years I’ve spent in fear. But I’m no longer going to passively sit by and let the fear consume me. So this is my thank you. Thank you to my anxiety and my panic for making me who I am today.
First of all, the severity of a panic disorder that I suffered from gave me 3-4 panic attacks per week. I was practically immobile at one point in my life. Terrified to go outside, to see other people because anything and everything seemed to trigger this paralyzing fear within me. Every panic attack feels like the end of the world. “I’m going to die,” I think. “This is it.” But I don’t. Every single one sucks but I get through them all. And that has helped me in my everyday life to believe that I can withstand anything. With every panic attack, though it may feel like the end is near, I know that I have gotten through this before and I can do it again. There’s nothing a slight imbalance of chemicals can do to stop me from reaching my goals.
My anxiety disorders have also taught me to appreciate the friendship of others. I have never been an overly friendly person so naturally when I was formerly diagnosed I kept it to myself and did not want to burden any one. I tried to take care of myself but on top of my already busy schedule, I fell into a downward spiral once again. But there were a few people in my life, who still remain to this day, that reached out to me. They took me in their arms and let me know it was okay to not be okay. They made sure I went to my appointments and took my medications and when things became to be too much, they were there to comfort me in the best ways they knew how and for that I am forever grateful.
So thank you to my anxiety disorder, and thank you to my constant state of fear and panic. I have not been fully “cured” and I know I will never be. Life is all about ebbs and flows, peaks and valley and you’re just going to have to fit amongst all of that. Some days are still harder than others, and sometimes I still want to quit. But while you may still make me nervous and restless, I am no longer afraid of you. There was a point in my life where I thought, “This is the best my life is going to get.” So I no longer wanted that responsibility of life, but I stand proudly today knowing that there is hope within me and for me. A mental disorder does not define me, and it never will.
