Dear Anxiety,

There are days when I cannot get out of bed because everything seems to be dragging me down. I have countless thoughts revolving around the what-if's of my life and the I shouldn't have's. I try to pry myself from the place I feel most safe in, but I cannot move because of you. I want to physically, but mentally I cannot. There are days like this when I do give in and I will stay in bed most of the day until that knot in my stomach goes away, but you always seem to come back. However, most days are not like that. Most days are not that easy and are a constant battle with you. Most days I force myself to get up and go—my physical state ready, but my mental state not in the slightest. But that doesn't matter because you are not an excuse.

I refuse to make you into an excuse. You will not stop me from living my life. I will fight back every single morning I wake up until one day you won't interfere with my life. I will try harder every day to overcome the feeling of you being with me. I have accepted that you will always be there, but I never lose hope that I will be able to take control of you. You have made my life a living hell at times. You have left me on dirty restaurant bathroom floors crying while my friends wait at the table for me. You have made me miss countless school trips and sleepovers because of the fear of leaving home. You have made me overthink friendships, relationships, school, work and my self-worth. In fact, Anxiety, you have made me feel like nothing.

You have pushed me down to my lowest low, making me second guess myself and who I am. I have been depressed because of the consistency of hell you have put me through. I have been dealing with you since I was a small child, and you have never once given me a break. You have never once just let me live. I will always hate you for that. I will always hate you for taking away times that could have been wonderful for me. I will always hate you for the times you made a little girl cry in a school bathroom for hours only to make her believe she was insane. But I do not want to tell you how much I hate you, even though I do at times.

I want to thank you.

I want to say thank you for making me a better person. Because of you I am able to sympathize and understand people better. I can comfort the girl I saw in the bathroom crying as she laid on the tile because I was there once, with you. I can tell her that it will be okay because I know it will, even though she doesn't believe it. I can try to help her. You have taught me how to hope that everything will get better and how to stay optimistic in times that I couldn't see any happiness.

Thank you Anxiety for building strong relationships for me. You have shown me that not everybody who is in your life should be there. You have tested each friendship and relationship of mine. You have pushed me to see who is really there for me and who is not. You didn't force me to build walls, you forced me to knock them down each time somebody comes along. Many friendships have been lost because of you, but if they were true, you would not have stopped them. They would have sat with me through the days I couldn't leave my bed, or the days I couldn't go to the bar, and I know that now. Because of you, I have friends who care.

You have pushed me to my breaking points and challenged me to no end, and for that I am grateful. You have forced me to keep myself going, to try and get good grades, to try and be successful. I want to achieve every goal I have set for myself in spite of you. I know there have been times when this is not exactly what has happened, and you have caused me to not try. Times when I let you win the fight, when I give up because there is only so much fight in me at that moment. There have been times you have made me hate myself and made me believe that I cannot do anything, but that has only made me stronger. You force me to try to be the best version of myself everyday.

Because of you I am the person I am today. You have molded me into the most kind and understanding person I could possibly be. I will not judge because of you. You have shown me even the people who act the happiest, who have the biggest smile on their faces, can be the saddest. You have taught me how to love myself despite my flaws, and how to love others despite theirs. There have been times you have shown me how much I am worth—I may not have known it then, but I do now. You have taught me to become my own hero, my own person, and for that I cannot thank you enough.

Anxiety, I want you to know you made me who I am.

Thank you.