Texans are the worst drivers, and yes, I'm mad about it. When it comes to the driving tactics of those behind the wheel in the Lonestar state, it is either a reckless full throttle, or lucrative backroad cruise. As a native Floridian and current Texan of about four years, I still have not quite figured out the mindset and intentions of those who have somehow passed their driving test here in the state of Texas. Before I receive the typical threats that often appear on your bumper stickers, "You can all go to Hell and I'll go to Texas," that is all fine and good, but the problem with your driving still remains. I am not a Texas native and therefore have the perfect unbiased and objective view for how I see the drivers here, especially since raging, everlasting, and unfaltering Texan pride has not taken root in my being. This will ruffle a few feathers, but someone has to say it.
1. Trucks as big as your egos.
Here I will disprove just a few of the sayings, expectations, and stereotypes that Texas seem to have regarding their trucks and what they mean in relation to their character and sense of being a Texan. No, me merging before you onto the highway does not make you any less of a barbecue-eating, cow-tying, boot-wearing, country-music-loving, truck-coveting man. Really, it doesn't. It just makes you a polite person. No, running me off the road does not prove your dominance over me in my mid-sized SUV, it makes you rude and reckless. What was that about Texans being some of the most polite people? No, the fake testicles hanging from your trailer hitch do not convince me that yours are of similar size or impressiveness. My condolences. No, the size of your tires don't reflect the size of your bank account, just your seemingly nonexistent levels of proper budgeting, confidence and self-esteem. No, the level of noise your truck makes does not catch my attention or make we want to climb in and take a ride down a dirt road to the sound of twanging guitars, you're just being a public disturbance. No, actually none of you NEED that truck, most of you live in subdivisions. No, colored lights do not make you cooler, being cool is a status that society has created, don't fall for it. You think you fancy, Texas?
2. Stop signs mean nothing or too much.
Everyone either blows through them or stops long enough to take a one hour lunch break. Can we find a happy medium, please? I witnessed an almost throw down and major truck peacocking in front of a Chick-Fil-A last week because Texans are still getting confused by these red signs and what they mean. It's not worth it, y'all.
3. Red lights are the most likely destinations for murders.
If you don't start driving within seconds after the light turns green, you will be viciously attacked by an army of car horns, middle fingers, and screaming voices. Like whoa, your $1 margarita and queso can wait. Lag time at a green light is the sin of all sins in Texas. I have found that if I just smile and wave in return, it counteracts the unnecessary impatience quite nicely. Or I honk back, that is also fun, but I save that for special traffic occasions.
4. The speed limits in Texas are higher than any other state I have been in the United States, but no one takes advantage of them.
Seriously, why though? If you can drive 85 miles per hour, take advantage! Texas, you are blessed with high speed limits, embrace them, for you are highly favored in the eyes of those who set them. Do not let me catch you going 70 in the fast lane, I am not having it.
5. High levels of car horn usage.
Never in my life have I been in a city that is a rude as the Texas cities are in regards to the level of honking that one has to endure. Forget defensive driving, you need to develop defensive honking skills. This honking is actually quite infectious; I honked back at prissy, Lexus-driving elderly lady the other day, it felt great and is basically a game at this point. Texas forever, am I right? Honking is the go-to method of displaying anger and impatience around here. There is no waiting, lag time, or moving into a different lane. It is honk or get honked.
6. "Rolling coal."
I picture small elves rolling coal this coal in wire baskets with crank handles and dumping the exhaust out into THE AIR THAT I BREATHE, TEXAS. Do not be obnoxious, we all need clean air. If your truck has to belch out black smoke to have a speedy take off, I most likely will be able to drive faster than you anyway. Get in the slow lane and purchase a Prius pronto.
7. Semis like to reside in the fast lane.
There is a slow lane and a fast lane for a reason. Use them appropriately or you will forever disappoint Captain America and me. And that is just rude.
8. I have found that some people hit animals not on accident, but intentionally.
The main targets are possums, raccoons, squirrels, rabbits, etc. Before I get blamed for being overly sentimental or emotional, isn't it normal to care for another life? If I went around running over dogs or cats on purpose that would be a problem, wouldn't it? Don't kill animals, Texans, it isn't necessary and it's not cool.
10. No one knows how to merge.
To the soccer mom in the mini van who is too interested in her Starbucks extra vanilla-licious frappe with no sugar and no vanilla, I am mad at you. You slow me down and you are a terrible merger. I'm with Leo on this one.
When it comes to Texas and how the drivers drive, yeah, I'm a little salty. But at least I can say I have not yet reached the Beyonce level of anger, even though on some days this is exactly what I want to do. Where is a baseball bat when I need one?
Texas forever? Most definitely. Texas drivers forever? Houston, we have a problem.
