As Someone Who Is Trans, You Should Always Tell Your Partner Your Biological Sex First
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As Someone Who Is Trans, You Should Always Tell Your Partner Your Biological Sex First

Before you even start dating or having a sexual relationship


Recently, I've seen a lot of posts on multiple platforms regarding whether you do or do not have to tell someone you are transgender before you start dating them. I can see the argument that you should be able to be "stealth" (not telling anyone your biological gender while passing as another gender) when dating someone, because being transgender isn't the only aspect about someone that matters. Being transgender isn't a personality trait, and in my opinion, it's more similar to a birth defect. At some point in the womb, something in your DNA got matched up wrong, and you ended up with the wrong genitals.

Before I take my stance on this argument and back up my beliefs, I want to make everyone aware of one thing: Whether you are transgender, cisgender, or non-binary, it is okay to have a genital preference. You are not a bad person if you are a straight cisgender person that is not attracted to a transgender person because they don't have the genitals you prefer. You are not a bad person if you are a straight transgender person that is not attracted to a transgender person because they don't have the genitals you prefer. People are allowed to have types, so being attracted to someone because of their genitals, gender, race, etc. does not make you a bad person. You are human.

When dating someone, I believe, as most people do, that there should be no secrets, no hiding things, no lying, and no deceit. When you're in love with someone there is nothing you should feel the need to hide. Honesty and trust build a strong relationship, and regardless of what gender you identify with, having confidence that you truly know the person you are with is the biggest feeling of comfort. This is why I have such a hard time understanding the argument that you don't have to tell someone that you are transgender before dating them. If you choose to not tell someone you were born male or female but are actually the opposite gender, you are lying by omission. Now I don't know about you, but I don't want to be with, and can't trust, someone who lies to me in any form. And let's be honest, lying about your biological sex is a pretty big thing to keep from someone you love or are trying to start a relationship with.

Sure, ideally someone should like you for who you are, not what you were born as or what's in your pants, but that's not how people work. Not everyone is pansexual or bisexual, depending on what genders we're referring to regarding this topic, but for the sake of keeping things simple, I'm going to keep it strictly to girls and boys. Yes, someone who identifies as bisexual should date both transgender men and transgender women, because to not date trans people because they are trans would be transphobic and invalidating to that community. Regardless of what is in your pants though, being lied to is deceitful and could lead to trust issues and trauma for the person who is affected.

Now, I entirely understand that to tell someone you're interested in, especially for trans women, that you are the opposite gender that you were born can be extremely dangerous. However, perhaps it could be even more dangerous and devastating for them and their future families if their significant other found out years after they started dating. But my whole issue with this topic is that it would be impossible to just simply keep this secret from your significant other for your entire lives. There are signs that I don't have to discuss that would easily give away someone's biological sex, with or without bottom surgery. In this situation, one lie would turn into a snowball of lies, and everyone, including yourself, would have been better off being honest in the first place.

I know this article may get a lot of backlash, but I'm not here to sugarcoat anything I write. These are my thoughts, and I'm open to changing my opinions if a better argument is given. My only suggestion to understanding why you should always tell your significant other prior to dating them that you are transgender is to put yourself in their shoes. Imagine you meet someone and you hit it off. You like them, you date them, you go to sleep with them. They take their clothes off and they're not who you thought they were. Are you more upset by their biological sex or that they lied to you? Either way, it changes and perhaps ruins the relationship.

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This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.

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