Recently, I've been reflecting on this year and the growth I've experienced within myself. Initially, I didn't think that I grew at all this year. For the most part, I felt stagnant and drained in every way. I felt that I wasn't experiencing any of the emotions or growth that other people in my life were experiencing and because of this, I became depressed. It wasn't until the latter part of this year that I experienced many things in my life that I never thought I would. What I experienced the most this year was spontaneity and self-love wholeheartedly.I'm a Taurus who likes routines and change can be scary. Change usually means that I have to open myself up and make myself susceptible to the possibilities of being hurt. However, what I've learned through self-love and personal reflection is that changing my thoughts and mindset around life holds so much power. Again, I've always thought of change as being scary and was always fearful of the possibility that something negative could go wrong or being hurt in the end.
Now, with any situation, I always make a point to lead with positivity and let go of fear. I'm starting to change my mindset from asking questions like: "What if something goes wrong?" to those of: "What could go right?" and "What's the worst that could go wrong?" Through this, I've learned that personal growth comes from taking risks and being open. Of course, I always listen to my intuition but I've also had to distinguish the line between intuition and taking risks. This line was initially hard for me to distinguish because of unresolved fear but over time I've been able to make strides toward defining it and make choices that allow me to be happy. It isn't easy and I still struggle but that's a part of personal growth, right?
This year I've experienced a lot of personal growth creatively. At the beginning of the year, I took on writing as not only a creative outlet but a passion. Before, when people asked me what my "talent" was, I couldn't give them an answer. I never thought that I was actually "good" at something. It wasn't until I took an Intro to Women's and Gender Studies class that I thought about it. I started to reflect on the basis of writing and what it meant in my life.
My grandmother has a binder that she's kept all of her writings in and through this I thought about how it's always been a part of my life. I've always been a writer. I was a writer long before I had the actual capacity to do so. Writing has always been one of my first loves and I don't ever want to lose my passion for it. Everything that I write is an extension of my heart. It's always been the basis for how I express myself entirely. My wish is for my writings to be felt and my words to be held on to as I've held on to the words of others who have held meaning in my life.
Lastly, there was a lot of conflict between my feelings and needs. Usually, I when I start feeling emotions, I neglect what I need for myself. For example, If I start having negative emotions, I begin to feel numb and block out those emotions instead of giving myself what I need, which is feeling those emotions no matter how negative they may be so that I don't internalize them. I still struggle with this but what this year has taught me is that self-love and care for myself have to be at the center of my existence. Without it, I wouldn't be able to navigate the world to the best of my ability and lead with that same love.
I hope that you can also reflect on this year for yourself. You may not think you've seen growth or change within yourself or your life but I challenge you to reflect. I hope that the new year treats us all well and that we're all able to thrive. Overall, this year taught me to let go of fear, lead with love, and not only be kind to others but myself. What has 2018 taught you?