Life is not something we can always have control over. Things happen, and we may never know why or even how to deal with it. We can't always stop what life may throw at us. Especially as a young child, our lives may be turned upside down by an event we don't even understand, and that could leave us with many issues we have to live with for the rest of our lives. As a child I went through a traumatic experience that left me with many emotional scars, and several issues I must face everyday. One of these things I know I have suffered with since childhood: I worry.
I never really understood it as a child. I worried about anything and everything constantly. It wasn't always rationalized fears or worries, sometimes it seemed like the most illogical things to worry about, but I did. I know you are probably thinking everyone worries, but not like this they don't. They also don't have a sudden fear or panic sweep over their bodies, and they have no idea why, a feeling of dread or doom for no reason at all. As I grew older my constant worry grew and changed. I couldn't sleep at night because I was afraid of the dark. A grown woman afraid of the dark...I thought I was crazy. I soon found out I suffered from severe anxiety disorder, as well as OCD, and several other things. I now had a name for this awful worry I lived with 24/7, but I had no fast fix. I also had no hope I would feel any different.
No one ever really knows what true anxiety feels like unless they suffer from it themselves. Your family and friends try to understand and support you, but they can never calm your fears. Suffering from this disorder, and finding love is something else that seems almost impossible. Anxiety disrupts every aspect of your life. It invades every relationship you have, and controls every thought. Some days are better than others. Maybe one day you only worry about 20 things instead of 50, or you only have to check to make sure your doors are locked 5 times instead of 10. Anxiety can take over your life, and prevent you from doing things you once loved, going out with friends, holding down a job, and giving anyone the kind of love you feel they deserve.
I am lucky to have found the man I call my husband 13 years ago. No he doesn't understand my anxiety, he honestly doesn't know half the things I worry about on a daily basis. He has stuck by my side even though I ask if he really loves me several times a day, or make him check my alarm clock several times in a row at night so I can make sure I get up on time. He loves me, cares for me, and tries to help me through those moments of intense panic and fear that can consume me all at once for no reason at all. Life isn't easy living with anxiety disorder alone. It's even harder when you have a spouse and three children. You would think this would help, that you wouldn't feel so alone or isolated. Having this kind of love and support should make me not feel the need to worry or panic as much, but instead it made my anxiety grow and change once again. I was now not only worrying about myself, but four other people as well. I felt even more hopeless about ever feeling different than I had before.
It's been eight years since I was "officially" diagnosed, and I wish I could say it gets easier. Even with medication and therapy I still have days where I am crippled with fear, and it consumes me. I still worry about my alarm, the doors being locked, the kids being away from home, and my husband's love for me. Silly I know. One day I came across a saying "Just Breathe," and I thought to myself if I could just sit for a minute maybe if I could take a moment and just breathe I would feel better. I won't say this always helps, or takes away all the dread, but I can think a little more clearly. So in those intense moments when all I feel is worry and dread I say to myself just breathe, you will get through this if you just breathe. To all my fellow Anxiety sufferers take a moment and tell yourself just breathe, and I hope you find a moment where things look a little more clearer for you, too.
Just Breathe.
