By age 20, most people have experienced a heartbreak of some type. Everyone copes with their heartbreak in different ways, and at different paces. For me, the easiest way for me to work through a bad heartbreak is to write my feelings down. I also think another universal feeling is that during each heartbreak, there come waves of feeling like everything is fine and waves of feeling like the walls are caving in. During one of my waves of feeling like everything was fine while enduring one of my heartbreaks, I wrote a letter to myself — specifically to remind myself that everything was going to be okay during one of those inevitable, "I feel like the world is ending" waves a couple of years ago. I found it a few days ago, and I decided to share it with all of you.
An Open Letter to My Heartbroken Self
There are certain people that will leave scars on your heart after you’ve loved them. Some people leave holes in your heart so big, and so painful that you have to teach yourself how to breathe again. But I promise you, you will remember how to breathe again. Then you will remember how to get out of bed again, order one coffee instead of two and get through the rest of your day just fine again too.
You'll try to imagine the next time you will see him sometimes. And not the way you used to see him--not laying in bed on a quiet Sunday morning, or waiting for you to walk through the door every Friday afternoon. You'll try to imagine yourself seeing him waiting in line waiting for coffee, or crossing the street. And maybe you'll still love him, and maybe you won't. But you'll hope that you'll be able to say hello without falling apart right there in front of him. And one day, maybe not tomorrow or the next, you'll be able to do just that.
I know it's hard and I know it hurts. But you have to learn some things slowly. One of those things is that certain people are not good for you. Just because you love someone, doesn’t mean that they deserve you. You deserve someone who knows that your soul is tired from carrying the weight of loving the wrong people, and your heart is torn up from being broken so many times, and does his best to love you anyway.
It's scary that it takes so little time to fall into the kind of love that you will carry with you for what seems like a lifetime. Even if in some distant future, where he is in his life, and you are in yours, you will always be wondering how he is. You will always be sending him your love. That is what makes it so difficult to leave--giving a piece of your soul to someone and knowing that you'll never get it back. Whether it was timing, or the two of you just didn't fit, it all hurts the same.
I don't believe that time heals all, but I do believe it heals a lot. The first morning of waking up alone, the first night of fall asleep by yourself, and all the other "firsts" are always the hardest. At first you might be unable to tell, but it gets easier every day. Sometimes your goal should just be to make it through the day. Other times your goal should be to make it through the day without crying.
You may always love him. You may always miss him. But one morning you will wake up, and realize that you don't love or miss him in quite the same way anymore. As time goes on, it gets easier. As time goes on, your head gets clearer and your heart gets lighter. Love yourself hard, take care of yourself well.