In the fall of my 16th year, I was diagnosed with anorexia nervosa. I felt lost, confused, and completely alone. With treatment, professional help, and support, I have learned to love the skin I’m in, and want to inspire those with my story to prevent others from becoming ill.
There's no sugar coating it. Anorexia nervosa is ugly.
Sometimes, I felt that anorexia, or also known as “Ana” was the only thing in my life that I had control over. It was part of me. Something I was able to call mine. My mind was consumed with worry, guilt, and regret. Food was the enemy. Calories were the soldiers. Exercise was the drill. Little did I know how ugly anorexia nervosa was, and how much pain it could cause. Always remember that anorexia nervosa isn’t a beautiful concept or lifestyle. It is ugly.
Eating disorders are diseases, too.
Many people forget this. At first glance, mental disorders may not be fully recognized as a disease since physical signs are not visible. No bruises. No bleeding. No scars. Yet, an individual with anorexia bruises, bleeds, and scars just as easily as those with a broken ankle or a bad case of the flu. Remember, eating disorders are diseases, too.
"Healthy" eating isn't always healthy.
It all started when I wanted to change my diet. I had always been a healthy eater, yet I knew I wanted to make "little" changes. First, I eliminated carbohydrates from my diet. Then meat. Then sugar. Then fat. (And the list goes on.) My life became consumed with calories, daily weigh-ins, and the size of the gap between my thighs. My “healthy” eating became obsessive and uncontrollable. It possessed me. It defined me. And I was unable to stop it when I started. Remember, "healthy" eating is not always healthy.
Your weight does not determine your worth.
The number on the scale should never determine how much value you have, or who you are. Bodies are made differently, and weight is just a number. The scale is just a machine. And you, you are a person. With a mind. With a heart. With a soul who deserves so much more than to be haunted by an eating disorder. Remember, your weight does not determine your worth.
Honesty is the best policy.
When it comes to recovery, honesty is the best policy. At the beginning of my intensive treatment, I was not honest. I would lie to my family and friends about what I was eating, how I felt, and even lied to myself. I keep telling myself that I was worthless and that I deserved nothing more than to starve to death. At that time, I thought this was all true. Others believed in me and my ability to recover while I could not. I learned that being honest with myself not only put things into a rational perspective but created healthy relationships with those around me who wanted to see the girl who smiled and was looking forward to her future. Happiness is feeling confident in your own body. Remember, honesty is the best policy.
What you see in the mirror is an illusion.
I will say this more than once: You are not fat. You are not fat. Your thighs are not fat. Your waist is not fat. You are beautiful. Your thighs are beautiful. Your waist is beautiful. You need to remember that anorexia nervosa causes individuals to have distorted images of themselves, and can cause those same individuals to eventually truly believe what they see in the mirror is a reflection of how they appear to others. Remember, what you see in the mirror is an illusion.
Beauty cannot be defined by bones.
Of course, the media may convey a different message. We all see on TV, in magazines, and store windows the “desired” body types that are typically defined as “beautiful” or “healthy”- shapes that a majority yearns to achieve, because their definition of the word “beautiful” is solely based upon weight. Bodies are made to look, feel, and exist differently. The word “beautiful” should not have an image directly associated with it. You need to remember that feeling beautiful is feeling confident in the skin that you’re in. You need to remember how beautiful you are. You need to remember how beautiful your life is. Beauty is not a jutting collarbone. Beauty is not protruding ribs. Beauty is not a frail, malnourished body whose hair is falling out, unable to stand because of nutrient deficiency. Remember, beauty cannot be defined by bones.
Recovery is possible, no matter how often you think it may not be.
I am living proof of it. I will say it again: I am living, breathing proof. I never thought I would overcome my eating disorder. I never thought I would be able to achieve my goals. I never thought I would be able to see a girl in a mirror that feels confident about who she is, and the skin that she’s in. I never thought I would be able to laugh with my friends and family again while gathered around the dinner table. Remember, Recovery is possible, no matter how often you think it may not be.
There will be light.
During the healing process, there will be hardships. There will be tears. There will be times where you feel you can no longer continue with recovery. But there will also be strides. Accomplishments. Returning smiles, and there will be light.
Reach out for help.
Congratulations to anyone who accepts help. I commend them and their bravery. They are not accepting defeat. They are accepting a future for themselves. They are accepting the thought of living again instead of just surviving in this world.
Recovery resources can be helpful!
If you ever need someone to talk to, advice, or just a friend, please do not hesitate to contact me. I am here, and will always be here. (Email: quinnmeilysaght@gmail.com)
Other helpful resources for recovery include:
NEDA (National Eating Disorders Association): http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org
Recovery Warriors: www.recoverywarriors.com
Eating Recovery Center: https://www.eatingrecoverycenter.com
