Last week I poked fun at my hometown because, well if you’d live there you’d know how easy it is. We all laughed, and called it a week. It was great. This week, I decided to return to the subject matter of my discussion of why I retired from theatre and make another confession.

I’ve had depression and anxiety for most of my life. I know that’s probably pretty shocking considering my general disposition. On the outside I’m that funny friend who will tell you a joke to make you forget about your spilled milk, but underneath I’m the one crying because my Borden was knocked over.

My depression stemmed from a lack of self-esteem. My entire life I’ve been what you would call “husky.” Most people aren’t, and pretty much no guy in the media was “husky” growing up, so I had no one to look to find successful happy people who looked like me. I felt very different from everyone because I couldn’t fit the literal narrow mold of what it meant to be “normal.” Because I never felt normal, I never felt like I was worthy of real love from people who weren’t my family. I always questioned why the people I called friends were friends with me. Was it because they liked me, or was it out of pity?

These questions also made me feel that I wasn’t worthy of romantic love. No one was beating down my door like they were for all of my friends. I would tell myself that I didn’t need anyone else, but deep down I was jealous. By the time I graduated high school I’m sure I was the only one of my friends to have never dated anyone. I always took friends to dances (shout out to my top notch dates, they know who they are) and had the time of my life, but when the slow dance songs came on I would get that all too familiar pang of sadness watching all those couples sway and sweep on the dance floor.

I would ask myself "Why can't I have that?" "Why can't I be happy?"

Then I went to college. In college couples aren’t as present as they seem to be in high school. Maybe it’s because we’re adults, or more adult-like creatures, in college and everyone knows that they don’t have to eat their significant other’s face on their way to Algebra to show the world they’re dating. Or maybe it’s because we’re not all jam packed into one building. I didn’t really see many couples around, and so I didn’t have things to make me feel bad about.

Also in college I did some reevaluating of my life and my own views on the kind of love that I want and made some pretty big decisions. Despite this, I’m not dating anyone right now. I know that I don’t need to be in a relationship to be happy. I’m pretty damn happy on my own for right now. Yes I’d like someone to bring me ice cream when I’m too lazy to drive to Amy’s myself, but I’m also fine eating my frozen peanut butter and honey.

Since deciding on what I want out of love something amazing happened, that black cloud of dread that I became so accustomed to living under hasn’t returned. I no longer feel that I’m unworthy of love because I know what love I’m looking for. I believe that my depression came from feeling trapped by thinking I had to have the love that everyone around me did, and feeling like I was wrong for not having it.

I’m writing this for all of my friends and family struggling with mental illness. I’ve been where you are, I’ve been to the edge of the cliff and I too have thought about stepping off. The important thing is to know that it doesn’t last. My depression lasted until I was in college but I’m still here. I know it’s still in there somewhere waiting for that first self-deprecating thought to creep in so it can follow behind. I’m ready for it. Show me what you’ve got dark cloud!

I’m also here to tell you that just because you perform “normalness” in your daily life for others, that doesn’t mean that your mental illness is somehow less of a weight on you. I went for years thinking that I didn’t deserve the label of depressed because I was still happy for my peers. “Depressed people are always sad, that’s not me” I would tell myself. It was me, and it at some point it will be again. These thoughts would be like saying that you have a cold when you have the flu because your symptoms aren’t as severe as others. No one person is alike, just like no illness is alike.

I want to leave you by telling everyone that is reading this that I love them. I know most of my readers are people who know me, but on the off chance that a complete stranger is reading this, I love you too. I love you because we both share the common bond of being human, and that is enough to love. I love you Stranger because you took the time out of your day to read an article by someone you don’t know. I love you Stranger because you deserve love, everyone deserves love no matter what they look like. Lastly, I love all of you simply because I have enough room in my heart to do so.