Today, September 10th, is significant to me for a few reasons. It is World Suicide Prevention Day, a day that I find to be especially essential in lessening the stigma surrounding mental illness. This day hits home to me because I saved a friend from committing suicide during my freshmen year of college.
It is also the six year anniversary since my own suicide attempt.
Six years ago I sat in my room, overwhelmed by the depression I was in, unable to see a way out of the life I had. I decided that that day, September 10th, would be my last day. I was 16 years old.
The day I turned 15, I told myself that if I just made it to 16 then it would be okay if I died. I just had to turn 16 first to be able to say that I made it to a significant age milestone. And I made it to 16. I spent most of my 16th year thinking about how and when to do it. I cried nearly every night, cutting myself up and down my arms, completely and utterly out of hope. I remember making goodbye videos for my family and friends - numerous times - apologizing for what I was about to do and telling them how much I loved them because I did not want to wake up the next morning.
I felt trapped in my sadness, that the self harming I was doing wasn't enough to handle the pain I was in, that there was no other way out of my misery. Everything inside of me wanted to cease to exist. My problem was that I never opened to anyone about what was troubling me. I had been bullied throughout elementary school and told no one. When I was 15, I was raped. Again I held it locked inside me, not telling a soul. The trauma began to eat away at me. Everything inside of me was screaming. It was like an intense pain. I can’t put that feeling into words, but it was horrible.
I sat in my bedroom, tears pouring down my face, fresh cuts bleeding, and I texted all of the contacts in my phone "What would you do if I died?" A small part of me wanted to know what would happen when they found out the next morning that I was dead. That one small part of me wanted to hold onto life.
I owe my life to three wonderful people who received that text and understood the seriousness behind it. Three people I never expected to be there for me. My seven word text message scared them into action. I had sent the text at 11:45pm and tossed my phone to the side as I gathered the things I was prepared to use to end my life. But not even a minute later I received a phone call from Haleigh. A minute following that, Rachel and Kaitlyn called at the same time. Being in such an upset state, I didn’t answer these calls.
Ten minutes later Rachel called again. Her grief stricken voice cried in her voicemail, “No, no, no, no. See, the phone rang one time. One time. You ignored my call. What are you doing? What are you doing Kayla? Don’t do this to me. Kayla. Don’t do this to me. Please just call me or text me back. I need to know, just let me know.” I can still hear her voice pleading with me to tell her that I was still alive.
I lay curled at the end of my bed, everything I needed to do the deed in front of me when the house phone suddenly rang. I jolted out of my bed. When I picked up the phone I heard the voice of my soccer coach. Rachel had called her in a panic, not knowing what to do about me. But my mother had already answered on another line. Panic struck me. What if she tried to stop me? That’s not what I wanted. Or was it?
At midnight came another call from Kaitlyn, saying that she, Rachel, and Haleigh were on their way over because I wasn’t responding. Around 12:30 a.m. they arrived. Haleigh and Kaitlyn sat cross-legged on the floor and Rachel sat on the bed, gently rubbing my back. Through conversation with them over the next two hours, I realized the impact that I had already made on their lives while barely knowing them. It was then that I realized that I mattered. That I had a purpose. That someone would notice if I didn't wake up the next day. I learned that I am needed. I am wanted. That the things that happened to me were not my fault, not matter how much blame I directed towards myself. From an almost tragic night for the people around me came great changes and learning.
It has not been an easy road over the last six years. There have been other moments where I felt that I had no other option but to die. But I did not act upon those impulses because I remembered that night six years ago and Rachel's grief stricken voice over the phone. This year is especially significant because I am finally living as the person that I have always been. I am so thankful that I was able to survive the worst parts of my life so that I could find the true joy that is being myself - being Liam. I am thankful for those three people who helped me that night.
This day is significant to me because I have seen the impact that a completed suicide attempt can have on people. I hurt for those who have lost their lives to suicide, for those that have lost their loved ones to suicide, and for those who are thinking about suicide at this very moment.
It does get better. I'm living proof of that.
