About three years ago, I started to have trouble sleeping. There were nights when I would go to bed at 10:00 and it would take several hours for me to fall asleep. Waking up for school in the morning was a real struggle. I was constantly exhausted. Unfortunately, not much has changed since then.
Insomnia is defined as habitual sleeplessness, or the inability to sleep. While some people struggle to fall asleep on occasion, insomnia is constant. I have tried many treatments, including melatonin, Advil PM, ZzzQuil, a magnesium powder, lavender aromas, and even a prescription medication. Some of them have helped for a short period of time, others have not helped at all.
People tell me, "Just close your eyes and go to sleep. How hard can it be?" Trust me, it's harder than you could ever imagine. Recently there have been nights when I only slept for two hours. I struggled to fall asleep in my bed so I tried my sister’s, my mom and dad’s, and every couch in the house. There are even times when the sun rises and I haven’t fallen asleep yet.
When I stare at the clock and realize my alarm will be going off soon, I ask myself, “Should I even bother going to sleep now? I might as well get up.” I spend so much time calculating "How much sleep will I get if I fall asleep right now?" And if there's going to be something special or nerve-wracking going on the next day, it is almost guaranteed that I won’t sleep well.
The worst part about having insomnia isn't that I am constantly tired. The worst part is the frustration of tossing and turning for hours on end... Climbing into bed absolutely exhausted, and still not being able to sleep. It’s crazy to think that I spend more time trying to fall asleep than I do actually sleeping. Some nights it’s because I have a lot on my mind and I’m stressed, but other times it seems as if there is no reason at all.
I always read before bed, and sometimes that helps. I find that I can’t fall asleep in silence, so I listen to the white noise of a fan each night. My room has to be completely dark, not too hot, and not too cold. And if I’m sleeping in a hotel room or at someone else’s house, that tends to be a nightmare. Thankfully when I went to college I had a very comfortable mattress pad. My sleeping problems remained about the same, but at least they didn't get any worse.
One thing that does help is going to the gym. If I work out in the evening, my body tends to be tired enough for me to fall asleep easier that night. It still might take an hour or two, but at least it’s not six.
I have yet to find something that really works for my insomnia. Some nights I’m lucky and I get a solid seven or eight hours of sleep. But most of the time, it’s a lot less than that and I can never seem to catch up. I am tired and low on energy. It’s scary to think that the rest of my life could be like this, living as a sleep deprived insomniac who has tried every possible solution. I hope that sometime soon, I’ll find one that works.
