I am the type of person who apologizes for everything under the sun. I apologize for my awkwardness, hobbies, talents, flaws, interests, etc. You name it, I probably would apologize for it. I was teased growing up for my interests and hobbies. I never felt like I could be me because people were always judging me for being me. I was teased when I would talk about my favorite books or movies. I was given weird stares when I would talk about my hobbies and things I loved to do. I was picked on for my dreams, ambitions and opinions. I was often judged and teased because I did not like all of the things that were considered “cool” or “in style”.
I became so self-conscious of all of the teasing and I became embarrassed of myself. It caused me to not want to be me. When someone would say something like, “OMG, you play an instrument? You are such a nerd!” I would apologize profusely for being in band and playing an instrument. I would often hear things like, “Oh I can’t believe you like this movie. It’s so lame!” I would again apologize for liking a particular movie. I apologized for everything. I began to apologize for my thoughts and opinions about things. I apologized for talents and school. I have even apologized to a friend because I made a better grade on a test than she did. I felt like I needed to apologize for all of the things about me that were considered weird or unusual. And because I felt the need to constantly apologize, I felt like I wasn’t good enough. I felt like I wasn’t normal or a good person. I felt as if there was something wrong with me. I felt like everything about me was wrong. I felt like instead of having flaws, I was a flaw. I treated myself like a failure because I felt like if I could not fit in, I was a failure.
Then one day I decided it was enough. I remember sitting in my room after yet again, someone had made fun of me and thinking, “Why am I apologizing for this?” A light bulb went off in my head. I wasn’t going to apologize anymore. So I stopped apologizing for everything under the sun. I stopped apologizing for things I liked and hobbies I had. I stopped apologizing for my dreams and ambitions. I stopped apologizing for being myself and I started being myself. Then I started openly loving myself. I started openly showing my interests in things. I stopped caring whether or not people gave me weird stares or teased me about things. I ignored the looks and teasing. I stopped making myself feel bad about myself. I stopped feeling like I was weird or unusual. I stopped feeling like I wasn’t good enough or that I was full of flaws.
And you know what? I found that because I did not care what others thought of me, I gained so much. I gained self-confidence. I gained freedom. I gain a new outlook on life and a fresh beginning. Most important of all , though, I gained myself back and I consider that the most valuable gain.
