Racing thoughts kept me awake for hours at night. I have so much to do tomorrow. What if my alarm doesn’t go off? What if I don’t remember any of the answers for the test I have to take? What if I wear an outfit that I’ve already worn in the past two weeks? People will think I’m gross. Let me think back to everything I’ve worn in the past two weeks just so I don’t repeat anything. By the time I’d finally fall asleep my alarm clock would be going off.

Because of my lack of sleep, I constantly had a lack of energy- but that didn’t stop my mind from racing. All day long I kept making “to-do” lists just to keep myself focused. Start with what you have to do today. Wait, I forgot something- start over. I must have had more to-do lists in my notebook than actual notes. I wondered how people live like this. All day long I would walk around like a lifeless zombie and the only good I was to anything, was having my plans laid out for the next three months of my life.

I finally start seeing a therapist because of my anxiety and for other reasons but I needed the anxiety addressed first and foremost. “How do you feel when you’re anxious?” I think the better question would have been, “how do you feel when you’re not anxious?” It would’ve at least been a shorter list. How did I feel? I feel exhausted constantly, but can never sleep. I feel stressed out about things that wouldn’t even be a second thought for most people. I lie awake every night reciting study guides in my head if I have a test the next day. If I have an interview for a job or internship, I’m constantly wondering what makes me good enough. If I’m starting a new class or job I’m thinking of conversations to have with people at least two days in advance so that people will like me. Everyone I know thinks I’m so easy going and spur of the moment, yet I know that if people truly know how high strung I am and the over analysis I have for everything that I do, I might actually have no friends. It’s seeing this persona I put on every day and having an internal fight to do it. I could go on for hours about being anxious because that’s how I am constantly- but it’s an internal battle that I’m fighting alone.

I finally got prescribed to an anxiety medication and felt like my entire life would be changed. I was legitimately excited. The first few weeks were great- I was sleeping at night finally and felt more at ease each day. And the best part? My racing thoughts seemed to stop and I felt so clear and focused. After a few months, my dose was increased as the doctor said I was on a low dose and my body had gotten used to it. Great, up me, it can only make me feel better! And for a while, it did but then it was like hitting a plateau, or better yet- a brick wall.

I knew from the beginning that with the medication came side effects, and for a while I didn’t notice anything but suddenly one day I did.

Drowsiness.

I went from being able to sleep at night to suddenly getting a full night’s sleep and still being physically and mentally exhausted every single day. And worse yet, my mind once again started moving faster and faster.

Nervousness.

I found this to be an interesting side effect considering I thought the medication was supposed to maintain nervousness/anxiousness but my anxiety seemed to be coming back in full swing.

Upset Stomach.

I, like most people would get the occasional upset stomach, but while on my medication it seemed like this was a daily thing. It was even suggested that I go to the doctor because of how badly my stomach was bothering me each day and how out of the norm it was.

Decreased Sex Drive.

I don’t know if this came from the huge lack of energy that the medication also caused me to have or if this was a side effect all on it’s own. This side effect however, caused more than one fight. I never felt good enough about myself or pretty enough or whatever it may be, to do anything. All I ever wanted to do was lay on the couch or in bed and talk or watch TV. My boyfriend thought it was him and that I was just no longer interested, but that wasn’t it at all. It was me, and it killed me that I couldn’t even physically bring myself to be interested while on my medication.

So at this point, I was left wondering what good it was actually doing me. I was back to where I started with my anxiety, the only difference was all I wanted to do was sleep or lay around. I had a completely lack of motivation and I couldn’t live like that anymore. So I stopped taking it.

While there are still a few sleepless nights here and there, I get a little better at maintaining my anxiety each day. If I’m feeling anxious, I take a second to breathe. If I’m too overwhelmed, I talk to someone and let them know what I’m feeling. There are still times where, if I know I will be in a situation that will make me anxious I will take the medication, but those days have become lesser and lesser, and I finally feel like it’s an internal battle that I’m winning on my own.