My name is Hannah, I'm 19-years-old, and I have tried to kill myself twice in the past year. The anniversary of my first suicide attempt is approaching, and while it is difficult, I feel like I need to talk about an issue that isn't touched on a lot, the shame that comes with surviving a suicide attempt.

Depression is a debilitating mental illness that affects more than 15 million adults in America. I am one of them, and odds are, you probably know a few more as well. Suicide and suicidal thoughts are all too common amongst those with depression, as the psychological pain that accompanies the disorder can often become too much to bear, and paranoia and doubt can cause sufferers to convince themselves that they won't be missed. Even in the best case scenario, with therapy, medication, and support from loved ones, suicidal thoughts can overtake the depressed mind. This is what happened to me.

I reached a point at which I thought I would be better off dead, and so I attempted suicide. The first thing I thought after overdosing on painkillers was "and now we wait." and I did wait. I waited for what felt like hours. I felt my insides tearing themselves apart as I sat crying on the floor of my dorm bathroom. I knew it could take up to three days to die from an overdose of ibuprofen, but what I didn't expect was that the waiting would give me time to look at my life and think. I thought hard about my past, about my future, about my loved ones, and while it would have been easy to take a Benadryl, fall asleep, and just die, I took the unbeaten path, and I asked for help. I realized that in my heart, I didn't want to die, I just wanted the pain to end. It was my depressed mind, full of doubt, paranoia, and intrusive suicidal thoughts, which wanted to die.

Fast forward to a week later, I was out of the hospital, physically healthy, and had a new outlook on life. While I still suffered from depression and suicidal thoughts, I knew that I would be able to overcome them and become the happy person I once was. I felt hopeful. This was before the shame kicked in.

I was told by a friend whom I opened up to that I just wanted attention, and that if I had really wanted to die, I would have made sure that I did. This was hurtful and caused a wave of shame to come over me. Not shame for the fact that I had wanted to die, but shame for the fact that I didn't go through with it. It made me feel invalidated like my suicidal thoughts didn't count, because, in the end, logic beat doubt.

When we think about suicide survivors, we don't often think of the shame that they bear. It is important to recognize that people feel this way, and that, just because in the end you decided you wanted to live, doesn't mean there wasn't a point at which you wanted to die. Think of it as a scale, on one side there is the desire to live, on the other, the desire to die. Just because the scale tips in favor of one side, does not mean there is nothing weighing on the other side. I have learned that it is possible to simultaneously long to live and wish to die.

Surviving a suicide attempt is a brave feat, asking for help is something that not everyone can find the courage to do. I am glad I am alive. I appreciate everything and everyone in my life, but there are still parts of me that wish I hadn't gone for help. Not because I'd rather be dead, but because it is seen as less shameful to have succeeded than to have failed.

Let's end the stigma and the shame, and let our loved ones know that we are grateful they are alive, not make them feel bad for wishing they weren't.

If you or someone you know is in danger of harming themselves, please consider the following systems of support:

24 Hour National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255

24 Hour National Suicide Prevention Chat