For Those Who Think 'The World Would Be Better Off Without Me'

Trigger warning. Trigger warning. Trigger warning. Trigger warning. Trigger warning.

"Suicide is just a permanent solution to a temporary feeling," a phrase that is echoed much more than it truly should be.

Although I hate to admit it, it's safest to say it out loud to remind myself that it's not the shortcut out of feeling hurt, sad, angry...whatever the feeling is. I also hate to admit that thoughts of suicide are constantly going through my head.

Yes, I have gone to therapy. Yes, I realize these thoughts are not "normal". But it has certainly become what is normal for me.

Even with reminders that I matter to my closest friends and family, it gets really difficult to differentiate between my depression speaking and being fully aware of how many people really do care.

After a while, it starts to become white noise and it feels like people only tell me that I matter to them just so they feel some comfort in being aware that they've tried to tell me that I do... I don't mean to come off as ungrateful or careless, but regardless of how much I truly know how reciprocated my love and appreciation for everyone in my life is-- it gets hard on my worst days.

And yes, even with medication, living with my mental illness is so challenging.

If I'm being honest, I don't think I'd be here today if it weren't for my friends and family. Some days are so terrible and I wish with my entire being that I could just peacefully go in my sleep.

My inner demons are so real and in retrospect, I should really be more thankful for the people that are right by my side fighting them with me.

However, I feel sick to my stomach when I think about my best friend and if she were to commit suicide. And I know that I should feel some guilt when I say that I want to die, but I don't. I know how hurt I get when one of my friends tells me that they want to die and I understand their position. But having the mindset that the world would be a better place without me is one that has such prevalence over thoughts that echo that I have a purpose.

Moreover, saying I want to die isa cry for help-- not a cry for attention. Obviously, I'd rather not have my closest friends and sisters worry about if I'm okay today. I'd rather not have to be watched. I really would not appreciate being Baker Acted, but I understand the worry. I'm sorry that I say these terrible thoughts out loud, but it's better than keeping these thoughts to myself and then having someone one day say "wow I never thought she was that depressed."

It's hard to imagine that girl whose life seems pretty decent, who seems to always have a smile on in photos, who seems to always be positive, trying to make other people feel as if they matter, is suicidal.

The thoughts overwhelm me to the point I am unable to get out of my bed and do things that seem simple, such as eat dinner. It gets really hard and I wish for no one to experience this.

Sometimes, I feel like such a nuisance. I feel like a bother to everyone that I interact with lately and I just really wish that I didn't feel this way. My heart gets heavy, it gets hard to breathe, tears won't stop falling--and the thoughts just continue to bombard my mind reminding me of how useless I feel. Some days I just really wish that I had not woken up. It really is hard. Far too often, I wonder what it's like to not have a brain like mine and have less morbid thoughts. But I've learned how to cope with mine and I'm still breathing, so it's okay.

My hopes for people that read this aren't to pay more attention to me, it's just to be aware.

Moreover, if you're feeling alone, please know that even with my heavy heart, I always try to be there for anyone that needs someone to talk to. Please know that you're never truly alone. eileenrenee07@gmail.com or eileenrenee_ on IG! please reach out, if it comes to it.

In the back of my mind, I constantly have to remind myself that there are people that care about me and I am loved.

Also, here's this if you, too, need it:
National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-8255
Here's the National Suicide Prevention lifeline chat.

Life does get better, regardless of what our brains tell us though, friend. You are never alone.