When we think of self harm we usually think of it in the form of fresh blood and scars on the bodies of those that struggle with their own journey. We think of drug addictions and toxic talk that leaves lasting damage to our own psyche but we don't think of the different forms that it can take.
Self-sabotage is self-harm. There, I said it.
Ask yourself if you've skimped out on something important lately. Like not writing a half of a page for an easy assignment? Or maybe you accidentally on purpose sleep in on an important day of class that was vital to a test or project? Maybe your writer's block that you've had for months is because you're avoiding something that makes you happy because you feel you don't deserve it? Sabotaging yourself and forfeiting your chances at success for someone else or for your own hollow reasons is still self-harm. It's okay if you fell off the obvious wagon and onto the sneakier one, what's important is that you recognize what you're doing and tell yourself:
On the other hand, self-denial is also harm. When you deny yourself the pleasure of cultivating your hobbies like writing, photography, videography and the like, you are telling yourself that you don't deserve to do those activities for whatever reason. IT cold be self-deprecation, doubt or feigned disinterest but whatever it is has got to stop. Have you ever gotten really excited for something and then talked yourself out of it? Like say that there was a concert for The Killers (I would die, pun intended). You're stoked, not only do you have money but you have the time and transportation to go and suddenly the doubt starts. And you question if it's really worth it (which duh, of course it is). And so, in an act of denial, you neglect to go. The mean voice in the back of your head is like:
I mean here was a perfectly good opportunity to rock out, have fun and really enjoy yourself. Now you're stuck in your room watching old concerts and crying because what kind of monster lets Brandon and the crew play nearby and not see them? You weep as you listen to "When You Were Young" and realize that you're doing it again.
Exactly.
You're blade has become the word "No" and it's standing in the way of your growth. You can't enjoy what you used to, the same activities that made you happy are now what you seek to avoid. Your quality of life has severely diminished, you barely go out anymore. You're not eating, because you tell yourself that you're not really hungry. Not only are you hurting your creative side but your health as well. If you're purposefully eating, drinking or neglecting to take medicine for your health conditions then you are harming yourself. It's hard to accept that the decisions that you make could be tinged in the need to harm yourself but it's okay. You've taken the most important step and now you have to fix it, your lifeliterally and metaphorically depends on it. Get it together.
Writeout your feelings and feel validated,talk to someone, and take your medicine! Take the time and care that you give to others when being the Mom friend and apply that to yourself. What would your Mother (or caregiver) say if they found out that you'd let yourself get to this point? Don't feel guilty, take the initiative. Go and seek out therapy in the form of a counselor- this is not the time to emotionally eat or stop eating, this is not the time to go shopping or get in an argument with your partner. You have to be the adult now and that means processing this news the best way that you can. It's okay to reach out, to cry or scream but it's not okay to meltdown and find yourself under the desk in the library.
