Starting A War: The Trojan Experience

Starting A War: The Trojan Experience

A complete guide to destroying a city, for no good reason.

Have you ever wished to set a town ablaze? Ever wondered what amount of damage you could inflict on an innocent group of people that never did you any harm? Did you stop yourself from realizing your wishes because people would call you a “pyromaniac, who’s in need of professional help”?

If so, you’ve stumbled upon the right article! Here you’ll learn the proper way of instigating a conflict between your native town and the surrounding congregation of barbarians- that place your mother calls a “neighboring city”.

To start a feud, of proportions nearing that of the Trojan War, one must first create a stable connection with the Gods of Olympus. It is well known that the Olympian Gods are often searching for entertainment to give meaning to their eternal lives. Thus making them the perfect spectators for human drama.

If you don’t know which God to contact, I’d suggest calling Eris- the Goddess of Discord- who would be more than merry to aid you in starting a conflict. She’s quite skilled at initiating battles, as she was the one who sparked the feud that resulted in the destruction of Troy. Eris had been forbidden from attending a wedding, as she was known to be rather disagreeable. This prompted her to engrave an apple with the words “to the fairest” and throw it amongst the guests at the wedding party. The Goddesses- Hera, Athena and Aphrodite- then fought for the ownership of the apple, each claiming that the message that been individually directed at them. This then marked the beginning of a beauty-pageant-like quarrel amongst the three Goddesses.

Once you’ve contacted Eris and she has sparked a fight amongst the Gods for you, make sure to find a human who is naïve enough to meddle in a dispute amongst unearthly beings. When Hera, Athena and Aphrodite were attempting to decide who was “the fairest of them all” they asked Paris- a naïve human being- to choose the prettiest. Each of the Goddesses tried to bribe Paris by offering him incredible retribution, as an attempt to steer his decision in their own favor. Hera offered him the Asian continent; Athena offered him wisdom in battle and Aphrodite offered him the most beautiful woman in the world. Being a young man, driven by uncontrollable hormones, Paris chose Aphrodite-just so he could be wedded to the prettiest woman alive. This, evidently, angered the other two Goddesses. Stupid Paris, couldn’t he see this coming?

In any case, once you’ve successfully pissed off three Goddesses make sure to involve a beautiful human woman, with a complicated life, in the mix. That ought to escalate things. For instance, Paris had been promised to be wedded to the most beautiful woman alive, however, this woman also happened to be already married. Oops? Helen, Paris’ promised bride, was wedded to Menelaus, king of Sparta and many other man had apparently attempted to marry her before. Once Paris decided to run off with Helen all hell broke loose. Her husband was certainly not pleased and immediately requested that his brother, Agamemnon, declare war on Paris’ hometown- Troy. This war then lasted for ten years and eventually resulted in Troy’s destruction.

This then serves as the perfect guide to starting a war of massive proportions for reasons that are rather insignificant. If you carefully follow the tips provided to here you also will be able to destroy an entire city in just ten years! Good luck!

Cover Image Credit: nytimes

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