I don’t like getting too personal on the internet, but I will admit that I struggle with deep, chronic procrastination. It may come as a shock to many people; it’s not something I’ve openly shared with my friends or family. In fact, the only people I have felt comfortable sharing this trait with in the past have been my professors.

I have been sitting in a Starbucks for the better part of three hours now, trying to write my viral magnum opus, but just when the inspiration begins to hit me, the reality of my surroundings starts to hit back—I hear a screaming child, a picky customer starting to berate the baristas, and on and on. If you actually need to focus on anything and get shit done, Starbucks is probably the worst place in the world to accomplish that. So, born out of my astute procrastination problem and Starbucks’ uncontrolled chaos, here is the following rant about why you should not choose to work/study at Starbucks, lest you end up writing this article.

1. Wild Children Galore

Starbucks seems to attract a never-ending stream of Lulemon-wearing soccer moms here to inhale quadruple-shot espressos and shove sugar down the throats of their wild demon spawn. I am sitting solo at one of those giant, collaborative tables (because it’s where one of the few outlets are located), and across from me are two siblings, an older one working on homework, and a younger one who alternates between spreading her coloring book into my personal space, antagonizing her older sibling, and yelling across the store for her mother who, it seems, is quietly reading a book at her own separate table while letting her children terrorize the adults at the collaborative table who are trying in vain to actually accomplish something before the sun sets. All surgeons who specialize in hysterectomies or vasectomies should use footage of children acting like assholes in Starbucks’ to attract more clients.

2. The Obnoxious Customers

One of the appeals of going to Starbucks is that the baristas will customize pretty much anything for you. If you want a peanut butter-ketchup-cough syrup-goat cheese non-fat latte with extra foam, they can probably do that for your nasty ass. The ability to make obnoxious customizations to drinks naturally attracts equally obnoxious customers. There are the cheap bitches, who will order like, a two-dollar black coffee and then add like seven shots of espresso and eight flavors, but will try and haggle with the cashier and claims that they only owe $2.12, EXACTLY. Then there’s the dude who insists on getting a new latte because it’s “not warm enough” or there’s “not enough foam” or some other vague concern. These people feel that their coffee consumption is so important and serious that they need to tear down an 18-year-old behind the counter to make a point. Welcome to "People Are Terrible, the Starbucks Edition."

3. It's Too Damn Loud

It’s not just the hyper kids or the self-righteous customers who cause a racket—but boy, do those people make themselves heard. About a million things are going on at once at any given Starbucks, and every one of those things is about a million decibels loud, maybe even more so if you’re actually there to get shit done. There always seems to be one big group that feels the need to talk obscenely loud over each other, even when they are two inches away from each other. The baristas, bless them, make hella noise behind the counter when they’re putting drinks together. And that music—that goddamn catchy hipster music that Starbucks loves so much. I just can’t focus when that Simon and Garfunkel got me like:

Maybe this Starbucks outing is a lesson. Maybe I should have braced the terrible, inconvenient student parking spaces and decided to work at the library like a responsible, rational, non-self-defeating human being. But as a card-carrying addict Gold Card Member, I know that I will be back. And as a card-carrying smart ass, I know I will find another treasure trove of experiences to snark about later.