OK, maybe not fine, but I haven't killed anyone yet. To this day, fencing remains one of my greatest passions. Looking back at the start of my fencing career, I had no idea what I was getting myself into. As a result, I decided to write this article so that any would-be fencers can understand what to expect, and anybody I went to high school with can understand why I spent so much time swinging a blade around, dressed like a beekeeper.
The gear.
Before you even get to the stabbing part, you need to suit up - both for safety and also so that the opposite sex will ignore you -- for the duration of your high school career, as is tradition.
We start with a pair of sexy knee high socks, used primarily to conceal the hundreds of welts and cuts now covering your shins. After that, come the knickers -- a pair of pseudo-overalls designed to protect both your thighs and virginity. Next, comes the jacket -- a bulky torso covering made of kevlar that keeps your body at a balmy 200 degrees fahrenheit. You wear a glove that you'll never properly wash the sweat out of, and a mask that'll make you realize how much you really love and miss oxygen. Finally, you choose one of three weapons (No, we don't call them swords), a foil, epee, or saber. All three weapons are pliable and flexible, and not sharp in the slightest.
Your first bout.
Now, you're ready to fence. Prepare for one of the most fun and physically taxing experiences of your life. You advance and retreat up and down the strip -- a long, narrow playing field meant to represent a hallway. You stay in a squat position, knees bent and lunge often so prepare for your legs to burn. Your core will be sore maintaining posture, and your hand will go numb from gripping your weapon so tightly. After getting your ass whooped by a 13-year-old (age is no determination of skill) you collapse into a puddle of sweat, panting, only to look up at the clock and see that only about two minutes have gone by.
At that moment, if you feel the uncontrollable desire to get back up and stab at that preteen until you finally win or pass out -- congratulations! You are a fencer.
What you can expect from fencing regularly.
Strong legs
Half of all fencing is spent in a squatting position, the other half in a lunge. Your legs will be ripped. I know an epeeist who can break a watermelon between her thighs. Seriously, I'm a 20-year-old guy and I have legs like Chun Li from "Street Fighter."
A great ass
No, really. Remember how fencing is basically one big squat workout? Yeah.
Welts. Welts everywhere.
Like I said, the blades are dull -- as a matter of fact, they have a button on the tip to register touches rather than a point. But keep in mind, this is still, for all intents and purposes, a sword fight. Your legs will get cuts and bruises, and if you're a 15-year old idiot newbie who decides to fence saber without any protective gear, you're gonna have a bad time.
Friendships built to last.
It's hard not to bond with people you've crossed swords with (ba-dum TSSS), and I've met some of my closest friends through fencing. You make comrades, develop rivals, form a support group for one another, and constantly help each other improve.
If you're thinking of fencing, consider this article both your warning and your encouragement: You'll be worn out, beat up, exhausted and funny looking, but you'll have the time of your life doing it, and that's really the whole point.
