I feel as though for most of my life I've been a walking enigma. When people ask me how I'm doing I'm never sure how to answer. Am I happy? I think so. Am I sad? Yeah, I think I am. Trying to decipher what it means to be somewhere in between these emotions is a difficult feat. Of course it's human nature to have mood swings, within reason. But it doesn't feel to me as if I'm swinging from one to the other, it just feels like I'm stuck directly in the middle. It's an ongoing battle to figure out how I could simultaneously feel happy and sad.
While there are times when I'm happy enough to belt out songs in the car with my friends and can find joy in making people laugh; there are also times when I'm sad enough to draw my shades, close my bedroom door, and isolate myself from everyone. I can go to work and to school and work hard with a smile on my face but completely break down on the car ride home. I can converse and be engaged at a family function but will have to take medication to fall asleep that night otherwise the sad thoughts would take hold of my mind. It's hard to be constantly vigilant, but I know that if I'm not the happy times will diminish and the sadness will take over at the drop of a hat.
Instead of looking at it as being in limbo between the two emotions, it would make more sense that I'm fighting to keep joy in my life and prevent being overcome by sadness every single day. Not to say that there aren't times when I lose the battle and I'm not able to muster the strength to get out of bed. But making those days as scarce as possible is the ultimate mission. I have come to terms with the fact that in order to live life the way I've always wanted to, this is something I'm going to have to wrestle with.
To shed a more optimistic light on it, knowing how it feels to be engulfed in sadness makes the cheerful times that much more gratifying and sweet. Also, seeing both extremes gives me much more insight as to how emotions work and allows me to be very intuitive of the feelings of those around me. This grants me a sensitivity that is unparalleled, because I really am able to put myself in other people's shoes.
While I sometimes feel lost in the shuffle of my emotions, I know that I ultimately have the power to control them. Yes, there will always be circumstances that are out of my control. But being able to put those depressing thoughts on the back burner and look at things from a more positive perspective will grant me the ability to keep my mind and body balanced even if the world around me is constantly changing. Feeling both happy and sad is not an uncommon occurrence and is one that forces you to introspect and find an equilibrium.
