I have always struggled when it came to making new friends and talking to people. I get really panicky and stumble over my words when I meet new people or I am talking to someone that I don't know very well, so I just avoid situations like that. Growing up, I was known as the shy girl who never really talked to anyone. I had a small group of friends that I was really close to and basically told everything to and I was ok with that. But I really didn't like the fact that a label was put on me because I was quiet. I thought it meant that they didn't like me or want to get to know me because they just assumed that I wouldn't talk to them. I struggled throughout high school because of this. I was also very concerned with what others thought about me. If I thought that someone didn't like me or I did something stupid in front of them, I basically shut down. This caused most of my close friendships to fall apart. I slowly began to push my friends away because I thought they didn't want to be around me because I wasn't worth their time. I isolated myself from everyone that I was once really close to and it caused my social anxiety to turn into something so much worse.

The last couple of years of high school were rough. Since I didn't really have any close friends, I just assumed that nobody really wanted to be around me and that I wasn't worth getting to know. Yes, I would talk to people in my classes but they weren't conversations that led to friendships. My brain slowly decided it was going to overanalyze every aspect of my life. I began to think that every time I tried to talk to someone, I was annoying them and that even if I did have friends they would probably leave me in the end. This was how my social anxiety spiraled out of control. I was once nervous whenever I would talk to people but it then transformed into worrying constantly about being alone. I used to be afraid of what people thought about me but then I began to worry about everyone leaving me because I wasn't good enough.

Once I got to college I thought that I was going to get better, and at first that was true. But this semester, it has been worse than it ever was in the past. I have had a really hard time sleeping because of the fact that I can't stop my brain from thinking about everything that could possibly go wrong with my life. I have spent several nights in my room, by myself, crying because I felt so overwhelmed. I have this constant fear that all of the friends that I have made this year are going to abandon me because they are going to find better people to hang out with. This is obviously a crazy thing to think because I have amazing friends who would never do something like that, but it doesn't mean I don't feel like it some days. These thought come and go in waves so some days I am perfectly fine and others I feel like I am going to go insane. I feel like I can't breathe and my head feels like it is spinning and there is no way to stop it. There are some days where I don't eat and I get really shaky. I haven't really felt like this before so when I do have an attack, I don't know how to deal with it. But I have amazing friends and parents, who won't leave me, that are helping me get through it.

Now I don't know if anyone else have similar experiences and I don't want to throw a pity party for myself because of this. But I just want people to be aware that there are quiet people struggling even though they may not look like it or talk about it. And if you do feel like this, you are not alone. There are people around you that either are going through something similar or that are willing to help you through your struggles. And if you can't seem to find someone to help you, just know that their is someone that will never leave you. He was willing to take on your guilt and shame and die on a cross because of how much he loves you. He knows the pain that you are going through and he wants you to come and tell him about what you are going through, he is willing to listen.

This is something that I am still trying to work on. I struggle to show my true feelings and I don't like having emotions because I think it makes me weak. I tend to push people away when I feel like I am getting too close to them. I don't want to be vulnerable because I am afraid that they are going to think less of me because I do have struggles. This past week has been really hard because of the stress of college and life. I had multiple breakdowns in my room while talking to my mom over the phone, but I am going to be ok. We are all going to be ok.