I have always been a professional at self-medicating. Sobriety was never really a thought that crossed my mind. Getting drunk genuinely numbed the pain. How do you justify the heartbreak, betrayal, and anxiety while sober? How do you tell others that you deserve better when you can't even convince yourself? Walking around with your head held high and your insides falling apart.

I was always curious at the thought of self-reflection. I always thought that I was good at looking back on my life without feeling the anguish... but I was wrong. What I thought was healthy reminiscing on what I have been through and where I have come from was nothing more than a bitter abandoned human being desperately trying to come to terms with everything that I was forced to accept.

I was never really sure if all of the isolation were those around me walking away or myself hiding and retreating. I would always feel alone during all of the sourest mental breakdowns. Being intoxicated every day, I was able to suppress the screaming inside of me. Without the liquor and the THC, I am drowning. Drowning in the emotions, the memories, and the realizations.

No matter how strong I have become or how bold I believe I am, I will always fear the inevitable. Solitude for me has never been comforting. Being with my own thoughts could literally drive me to insanity. I rarely have my own feelings anymore. The Echoes of all the hateful words ever said quietly and coldly sit there ready to tear me apart. Sobriety is a seemingly simple solution to end the chaos.

My social anxiety does not come with physical insecurities. It comes from the resonant words of all who have come and gone in my life. I would imagine that this numbness is that of a survivor, but have I really survived? Walking and balancing a fine line of death and gasping for a fresh outlook. Gasping for a truth in myself. Those who tell me I am strong are the same who tell me that I am nothing. I feel so isolated in a huge world full of people.

While physically I am strong, emotionally I am shot. Dragging myself through the days just reaching up trying to grip a hand yet somehow always slipping.

All of the meetings and all of the coaches will tell you that sobriety will feel like a weight has been lifted. To me, sobriety felt like a brick building falling down on top of me. Glancing around at the ruin that I had ignored for so long, finally ready to be acknowledged. Your loved ones around you watch you plague your life with intoxication while they beg you to find help. When you do find help, that is when you are left on your own. All those around you assuming you have been cured. Physically you feel rejuvenated yet mentally you feel crushed and scarred.

It is in my opinion that the blissful way they described sobriety is the reason relapse becomes a part of it. Strength has nothing to do with putting the bottle down. The strength is in you as you become ready to finally face your inner demons. There is no right way to enter sobriety and it is my hope to educate those who feel as though they are failing their sobriety as well as those who think sobriety is the easiest part of addiction.