The other day, I was in a conversation with a friend. She said to me, "I'm ready to be in a relationship." She wasn't desperate for a relationship or actively seeking out men to pursue, but I couldn't help but be bothered by her statement. I didn't want her to be yearning for something she didn't have or to be placing her self-worth in her relationship status, I wanted her to be happy exactly where she was.
I thought to myself, "Why should we accept living a life that needs to be filled by someone we don't even know?"
If you have a hole in your life, you should fill it.
You shouldn't be dependent upon others to fill your heart with warmth. Try to be filled by what is good and lovely in your life. Identify what it is that feels missing. Perhaps it is a fear of spending time alone with yourself; therefore, you haven't been able to fill your own need for reflection and self-love. Perhaps it is a lack of depth in your current friendships. Perhaps it's boredom. Whatever it is, take time to identify where your hole is and what it needs, because it most definitely isn't another person. Also try to love those that are in your life currently, those who love you, build you up and who create a home in you because those are the people that know you best.
Don't simply lead people to yourself.
Relationships shouldn't be selfish. When you desire to be in a relationship, you are desiring what that relationship can do for you. The drive for a relationship has nothing to do with caring for another person, because it existed before that other person did.
Let's place ourselves in the other person's shoes: If you were to meet someone who has had it in their mind that they wanted to be in a relationship, they would put their best foot forward in order to impress you, to persuade you, to woo you. But they are not leading you to a healthy relationship or to nurture you or to know you, they are leading you to themselves. Because it's what they desire. They desired your company before they knew you. They don't desire you, they desire what you can do for them. They desire to have a hole filled by you that has absolutely nothing to do with you. And chances are, you won't be able to fill that hole because its not yours to fill.
If you wouldn't want this for yourself, why would you do it to others?
Investing self-worth in your relationship will create a pressure that is too great for a relationship to withstand.
The more you look to that relationship or person to be what you need, the more pressure there will be on the relationship. The relationship will struggle because it won't be able to give you what you thought it would.
When you enter into a relationship for the wrong reasons, it can also be detrimental to your own understanding of self-worth because you become reliant upon the relationship to define your worth. It's better to be proactive in finding your fulfillment in yourself, in God, in the goodness around you before entering into a relationship for the wrong reasons.
Invest selflessly
Invest in people because of who they are and because they are worthy of appreciation and love. Because your attraction is undeniable. Because you can contribute to their growth as they do for you. Because you see good in the way that they are. Because of the way that they speak to others or love animals or the way that they look when they listen to music. Because every decision you make with them is a decision that brings you closer to yourself. When you invest in others selflessly, your view of them is not tainted by a desire to be loved and appreciated. It is pure and honest. Invest in people because of who they are and who they might become. Allow your investments to be selfless and courageous.
You are your best thing.
Your love is rooted in your ability to love. You can never give what you do not have. We naturally gravitate toward those who are similar to us and if we wish to find friends, lovers and companions that are going to be able to bring us closer to ourselves, we must be truthful in where we are in our lives and trust that it is all in its natural course. Your love is healing and good and enough. You are your best thing.
