So I've been thinking. I've been thinking about decision making... and how the hell we can truly depict what the best decision is for us. Can you ever truly tell? Because I don't know.
Even when I make a decision that I think is best for me or my life, it ends up being the wrong one. (which is typically 90% of the time) People always say "do what makes you happy", and quite honestly, I'm tired of hearing it because the thing that I hate most is disappointing loved ones, and when I do what makes me happy, I never disappoint them more.
So much has happened in the past month alone, so many changes, that I've come to be slightly heartless. And I mean this in a way where if someone doesn't like the decision I make, I simply say that I don't care. I tell them to get over it. But honestly, guys, this isn't how I wanted to make my own decisions.
As a people pleaser, I grew up with a lot of self-doubt and shame.
I received a lot of negative messages from my family, such as "you are loved but you are flawed." I was desperate for the approval of others.
I grew to not to trust my ability to make a good decision because the people in my life did not validate my view of reality.
I got a message that it wouldn't matter if I spoke up, because my elders would not protect me if I fought for something they didn't believe in.
It took me a long time to see that I could have a different opinion than other people and still be loved and accepted.
When I did make a decision, I got the impression that people are in your life to change your mind, and guilt and shame were good tactics to achieve that.
This has made it extremely difficult for me to make and stick to decisions. I did nothing but destroy everything and anything that genuinely made me happy.
It takes a lot of courage to stand up and take personal responsibility for your life and actually "own" your decisions.
I have let others play the scapegoat by allowing them to be my decision makers.
I think it was because of fear but also laziness on my part. But no one can really be happy this way. You won't be happy, and the other people won't be either when they hear you blame them for your choices.
I have come to the conclusion that I really need to start trusting my own judgement.
We have the freedom to make adjustments and we need to remember that life always has a way of working things out, you know?
I have come to learn that the world is but a place of exploration. So do what's right for you, and don't worry about making the wrong decision. It will embrace you if you embrace it.