Going to a small school for me was always the goal because I thrive when I can feel personally involved and have a real sense that I can become a leader in something. Being a campus leader has exposed vulnerabilities in me that I could have never expected and because I go to a small school, I feel like they are increased exponentially. I just wanted to write this to cathartically tell people what it's like to be a leader for a day and how it actually comes with a lot of feelings that I have to deal with when I go to sleep at night.

One thing you may not know is that it's amazing how much you hear people talking about you. You try and make decisions for the better and make yourself visible and it leads to your name being said by people you don't know when you're waiting in line for food or walking to class. More often than not it's negative and it takes years of practice to get used to it. It gave me a new respect for public figures. This is probably the thing that makes me most insecure and I have to fight the urge to not combat it with more negative words. The only remedy I've found is to find confidence in the fact that I am where I am because of hard work, and dedication and that person isn't and has no idea what I've gone through. Those negative words have become the fuel that gets me through the long meetings and sleepless nights that working hard for those I represent, demands.

Another thing people may not realize is that you are always being watched and held to a higher standard by the powerful people you are lucky enough to work with. This means that you have to be extremely careful and wary of what you do and how it might be perceived by those you don't want to disappoint. I think this has only been a good thing for me preparing for things like graduate school, but us leaders don't get as much freedom to make bad decisions and expect no consequences. So many people have invested so much time and trusted us with so many decisions that the last thing I want to do is disappoint them. It's exhausting and we may have to miss out a bit but it's pretty darn worth it for what we get in return. That being said, we are college students too! I want to have fun sometimes and I think we should be allowed to.

Lastly, I guess I want to point out something about my situation which is that these opportunities took time to develop. These did not fall into my lap, but rather I sought them out and worked really hard over time to get to where I am today. I get so frustrated when people assume that I am where I am because I shook the right hands or know the right people. I jokingly like to quote Drake and say, "Started from the bottom now we here" about where I am today because I literally started from the bottom and failed multiple times and lost multiple elections before I earned what I now have. What makes these failures so great? They make the success I finally found that much sweeter and I would not trade them for the world.

I want to make sure that anyone reading this knows that I am so ridiculously grateful for these leadership positions and I enjoy them so much. This was not meant to be a frustrated ranting session, but rather a look into the things I struggle with and that I think I am lucky to struggle with these things. I enjoy all these challenges because they constantly make me look in the mirror and remember why I do what I do every day. Sometimes when we stop and complain, we forget about how much work goes on behind closed doors. I hope this opens eyes into the inner workings of some of the things I do, why I do them and why I continue to do them because in the end, I love the things that I work hard to do so much and I would not trade these struggles for anything.