Growing up, my dark skin was automatically equated with ugliness in the eyes of most of my peers. Children are always the subject of ridicule but when you have skin the color of 10:00 p.m., you are exposed to a different type of mockery. The boys did not find me cute and the girls thought they were better than me. Walking past a group of kids was a nightmare because it wouldn’t be long before someone yelled, "Yoooooo she's mad black." Those were the good times.
It took a lot of introspection and a lot of strength to not let the cruel bullying I experienced break me. Much thanks to the glo-up & this recent wave of “Black is Beautiful,” many of the boys who used to make fun of me have ironically found their way into my DM's. The “ugly duckling” has gone through a transformation but my melanin still pops severely and that has made my romance life very interesting.
Yes everyone has stories about their past relationships, but as a dark-skinned girl, I feel as though I have a perspective that is all my own but can also resonate with many of my darker skinned sisters. Just like I did with the bullies, I had to really teach myself not to let the men I allowed into my life break me. I had to learn from every encounter and the encounters of my fellow sisters. Believe me when I say I learned a lot.
One thing I learned from dating “the brothers” is that many of them feel as though dating me is a badge of some form of consciousness and mental elevation. They feel as though dating me means they're not shallow like other guys and that they are above the Eurocentric beauty standard conditioning. Elevating one’s mind is awesome but thinking you get brownie points for finding dark skin girls beautiful is not an accomplishment. It doesn't mean that your mind is free and open. It isn't proof that you're better than anyone. Relax.
Around my sophomore year in high school there was this stereotype that light skinned girls were “Hollywood,” they “‘didn't text back “ and we're extremely high maintenance in their relationships. Soon enough, more people began showing love publicly to us of darker skin. I have learned that many guys go for dark skin girls because they feel that light skin girls are out of their league. Regardless of one’s personal preference, lighter skin is the epitome of beauty in a number of countries so they are put on a pedestal while everyone else comes in second.
These men would approach me because they felt I was easily attainable, that I would accept their basic efforts & that I wouldn't expect too much of them. Little did they know, this dark skin chick doesn’t have the bad habit of not texting back and I do not give my attention to everyone who tries to catch it. I refuse to gas you up because you drop heart eyes and chocolate bar emoji’s under my pictures. I have high expectations of my partners because I know what I offer so when they show they're half-assing it they get dropped. Also, when I realized the light skin women they idolized online looked nothing like women they pursued in real life I knew that there was some deep-rooted insecurities on their side that I wanted no part in.
This brings me to the next thing I learned. These guys seemed to expect that I would be extremely insecure and self-conscious. They were expecting me to feel so privileged by their advances and attention that I would not leave them when they screwed up. Boyyyyy were they wrong!! I'm sure when I ended things they were so shocked because they taught they were involved with a dark-skinned women who would be lucky if any guy talked to them so she would hold onto them for as long as she could. So when I left them, their egos were extremely bruised. When someone views you that way, it is quite evident in their actions. When I felt that vibe that they didn’t view me in high esteem, of course I would bounce — because I know my worth. Even though they saw my dark skin as a sign that I didn’t deserve the best, I knew I did!
When I was dating guys outside of my race that was a whole other mess. First thing first I was always their secret. I could come over to the house and hang but not meet the family. These men fetishized my skin and black girl features in private, but didn't value me enough to involve me in their public lives. They thought by calling me chocolate, and African Queen that they would compensate for all the other things they were lacking. I feel like all women go through this, especially women of color. Some men think we are a joyride, an experience, an adventure- we are not. That is not love and I had to learn not to let their attention blind me from seeing their true intentions.
One of saddest things I witnessed was that black men, who were just as dark as I am, with hair the same texture as mine, who came from the same places that I came from didn’t think I was good enough for a relationship. I was good enough for sex or to dance with at a party, but never enough to wife. Often times their rationale behind that was because they wanted “foreign looking babies”. They wanted women who had a fairer complexion, with finer hair and lighter eyes so when the game of genetics was complete their daughters would look more like their mother than their fathers.
This did not make me sad for myself but for my brothers. They didn’t know how apparent their self-hate was, probably because they weren’t aware of it themselves. How can you, a beautiful black man not want beautiful black children? When your beautiful black parents created you – did they think you were ugly or did they worship the beautiful child they created? Interracial relationships are beautiful but don’t try to play us because you don’t like yourself!
Dating, in general, is hard — but dating as a dark skin black women has come with hardships I never expected. I don’t want to make it seem like other women don’t struggle but when you fit the mainstream beauty standards you are already one point up. We dark skin girls have to really evaluate these men because for so many years dark skin has and is a crime and that conditioning has done damage to all aspects of our lives. This damage has clearly manifested itself in the ways they view the women in their lives. However, it is not impossible for us to find healthy relationships – and I have had some. I have found men who value me as a human and who value and love my skin tone, not in a degrading manner at all. Most importantly, I have found peace with myself and I will never let anyone try to force me into thinking that I deserve some second hand, dried up, half-assed, self-conscious love!
