Just like everyone else, I have had a lot of bad things happen in my life that have shaped who I am. Some of them made me strong and some of them made me too strong. Or maybe I’m not strong at all. I have walls up around my heart and my emotions. It is more like a fortress that no one can get through. But I push people away because I am afraid I will get hurt. I refuse to become vulnerable.

The truth is, everyone leaves. So am I a coward for running away first?

My first high school boyfriend was abusive, controlling and bipolar. I was so vulnerable, and I let him control my life. After that, I decided to demand respect for myself. I found a few guys that I really liked but nothing ever came of it. I usually pushed people away because I was so focused on school. Other times it was because they didn’t understand what was going on in my life. No one understood what it was like to have anxiety and depression. No one understood that I had a lot more to worry about than homework and sports.

In my life, no one has ever stayed. At some point, my family and friends have hurt me and left me to wonder what I did. It was these times when I was alone that I put up walls so that I wouldn’t get hurt again. I get so mad at myself when I feel sad because it means I failed. So I would work out or write about it. I would reach out to other friends in the hopes that they would make me feel better about myself. But I realized that it was better for me to fill the empty void with more self-confidence and strength.

So, I learned to love myself. Which is very important, but this means that I never give anyone else the opportunity to. I have this idea of what a relationship should be and I won’t accept anything less. I look for any excuse to walk away. If something is going perfectly, I will act too clingy or not clingy at all and push people away. If I was as strong as I thought, I should be able to be in a relationship and not worry about being hurt.

But it is a new year. I am trying to be open to the idea of meeting someone. I think it is time to let down some walls and let people see how I am feeling. I am learning that it is okay to have emotions but that I probably won’t wear my heart on my sleeve.

Maybe one day I will be what someone is looking for.