A couple of weeks ago, I made a post about a rough night I was having with my anxiety. I was recuperating from a pretty severe panic attack, sitting in the floor of my bedroom with all the lights off and the window open because I was nursing a migraine and some serious hot flashes. And someone had the nerve to call me out in a backhanded post and basically say I shouldn't be sharing the struggles of my panic disorder on my profile. I shouldn't characterize my panic disorder by its symptoms - I should always put on a shell of perfection and strength. I was being "narcissistic," because people with mental illnesses want to be seen as "normal."
It kind of pissed me off.
Sure, I don't disagree about being seen as normal. But, as someone who is affected nearly daily by my panic disorder, this is normal for me and millions of other Americans. I'm not going to keep something that troubles me so much away from the people I love. I tell my family and friends about my anxiety because I want my actions and bothers to make a little bit of sense to them. I don't want them to think I'm ignoring them when I don't go to a big party - I want them to know that lots of loud noises can induce a panic attack for me. I don't want them to think that I'm always happy, so when I am upset it doesn't come as a shock.
I don't know about you, but I crave support when I am hurting. The easiest way for me to calm down after a panic attack is to "hug it out." It helps me feel better to have people around who I know care, who can help if my attack escalates and I do need medical attention. I am not proud of my disorder, but I do want people to know because it is a medical issue, and because having support is important. You wouldn't keep cancer a secret right? How about the flu? You'd want people to know you were down so you could get medical attention if you need it. It's the same with a mental illness.
Furthermore, by telling me that I am not allowed to talk about my struggles with my disorder, you're perpetuating the shame surrounding mental illness. By telling me I should always frame myself in a light of strength, that's asking me to lie. I am not always strong. I am not always kicking ass. I am always fighting a war, and sometimes I lose battles, so it's important that the people around me know where I am in the fight, so they can help me if I need it. I'm far from perfect, and I don't pretend to be, so people can understand that anxiety and panic disorders can be crippling. Sometimes you can't plaster on a smile and be positive. Sometimes it's just as debilitating as being seriously physically ill. By hiding that from the world, you're just fueling that underestimation of how serious mental illness can be. I'm not quiet about the fact that I have a panic disorder because people need to be aware that yes, a mental disorder isn't something you should be ashamed of, and it's definitely not something you should brush off as easy to deal with.
I know you may not understand, but the reality of mental illness is not beautiful or perfect. The reality is raw and full of struggles and people need to know that if they are ever going to understand what we go through.
