Anxiety.
(n) -- 1. The feeling when you stay up all night, staring at your ceiling, asking yourself an infinite number of questions, then sit there and debate or whether or not you actually want to know the answer. 2. The feeling when you wonder who truly cares about you and who is just using you; who is there for you and who is so desperately waiting for you to fail. 3. The feeling when you feel like you're not good enough; that you need to be this, this, and this to be successful and liked. You crave for the attention you know you can't have. 4. The feeling where you get frustrated because it's physically impossible to be 100 percent happy. You want someone to really talk to, but no one will truly seem to understand you. 5. The feeling when you question your value, your worth, your pride, yourself, everything.... and you think.... and you overthink.... All night. And all you're left with is you, yourself, and a very dark place.
i.e. "I don't know where to go from here. I don't know who I am anymore," said Anxiety.
She's Called Anxiety.
When I go out the door,
I see all these people
And I'm constantly wondering
What they may think of me.
I feel my heart racing,
And my pace soon quickens.
My heart is in my throat,
It's too heard to breathe,
And soon enough it hits,
What if they are staring at me?
It's like I have a target on my back,
And I'm constantly worried,
Because what if these people
Can see what I'm feeling?
It's slowly killing me,
The thought of,
What if,
The unknown,
And all my worries.
I can't knock on a door
Or ask for extra napkins.
I can't call you and ask how you are.
I can't raise my hand without the fear of being wrong.
I can't hangout with new people.
I can't live my life.
It's like being in a cage that's unlocked,
I can get out but I've trapped myself.
It's like wanting to have friends but can't hang out.
It's like suffocating but you're still breathing.
It's not a way to live,
It's a way to die.
I am always overwhelmed
By that feeling
Where your heart won't slow down,
And your mind is freaking out,
And your palms are sweaty,
And I can't help but feel
Like I did something wrong,
Constantly.
I'm overwhelmed by anxiety,
And I can't stop shaking,
And there's no way to stop it,
And I'm absolutely miserable,
And I can't stop thinking about
How it would be,
If I just stopped.
If I just,
Stopped.
How did my greatest fears go from
Heights,
Bugs,
And monsters under the bed,
To footsteps
Outside my bedroom door,
Unexpected calls,
Talking to people,
Buying things in stores,
Eating in front of people,
Laughter behind my back....?
....All things trivial to others....
How did my greatest fear become
My own mind?
I am either shaking so badly
I cannot focus,
Or I feel so tired,
I don't want to bother.
I am either sure I want to die,
Or terrified of the possibility
I am either a short-fuse detonation,
Or an on-going radiation leak.
I am leaking,
I am leaking.
I am falling apart,
Like old copper pipes.
And once forever ago,
A boy broke my heart,
And I said,
"It hurts a lot less than I expected."
Because I was already
So used to breaking myself.
And then I almost felt happy.
But don't worry,
It went away
Before I could get too attached.
So just for once,
Just as a change.
Just as a new and exciting game.
I'd like to feel,
Really feel,
Like I'm not insane.
-n.o.
