Guilt and shame are two different entities. Guilt says that I made a mistake. Shame says I am the mistake. Shame is the beast on your back whispering in your ear that you aren't good enough. Shame is what can drive some of us and influences our daily actions and thoughts. I know shame constantly hisses in my ear and tells me that I am not good enough, that I shouldn’t even try, and that I am a failure.

Shame has pushed me to disordered eating. Shame has driven me to cut and mutilate my body. Shame drove me to attempt suicide when I was 13 by putting a plastic bag over my head and hoping I would die. Shame has driven to me to stand on the ledge between Birchmont and the entrance to Brindle beach and seriously consider pitching myself off the cliff.

I have never overcome shame in any area of my life. However, I have been able to turn some shame that says I am the mistake to guilt that says I madea mistake.

When I was 8, my mother had a brain tumor removed (oligodendroastrocytoma), but she suffered a stroke during the procedure. She became paralyzed on her left side. She became more volatile, abusive both emotionally and physically. My mother and I constantly fought – every day we would scream terrible things at each other for years. I don’t remember exactly what she said to me, but I vividly remember the horrendous things I said to her: I wished she had died during the operation, that I had been born into a different family, that I hated her, that I wanted to put her outside with a sign that read “free mother” and that no one would want her because she was so awful. I told her I never loved her. When she entered hospice after the cancer returned, I refused to answer her calls or visit her. The last time I visited her was three weeks before she died.

Now, this is something that I used to feel a lot of shame about. However, I feel guilt about what I said and did. I realized that I said things to my mother that most teenagers say at some point. But, I did not get the chance to make amends with my mother.

I realized that there was and is nothing that I can do to change what I said and did. I was spending energy hating myself and feeling shame about something that could never change. The feeling of shame that I was harboring was hurting and hindering me. The energy I used to be ashamed I could have been using for positive things and making changes, being a better person, and making a contribution in other’s lives.

I was able to move past shame because I saw that I was not the mistake and move to the thought process of that I made a mistake with how I interacted with my mother.

I have not been able to overcome shame in any part of my life. I have only been able to lessen the burden of it in certain areas. The thought process that the energy of shame should be turned into something more productive has not worked for lessening shame in other areas of my life.

There is no one cure fits all for shame. Everyone has shame for different reasons, whether it resides in your personal, work, or academic life.

In any relationship when you don’t get the closure you want, desire, or need from the other person, it’s up to you. It is your responsibility and obligation to move on, you don’t need anyone else’s permission to get on with your life, and you can’t wait for anyone’s permission.

I've just begun my journey in tackling shame, so I don't have the answers by any means. However, shame isn't something you completely overcome – it's a journey, it's a process, and there is no one way to overcome shame. But, shame lurks in silence, secretly, and judgment. It cannot thrive with compassion, empathy, support, and love.

In order to tackle shame, to lessen its influence on your life, you first need to identify what brings you shame and why you feel shame. It takes self-reflection and time. One day, whether it is next week, next month, or next year, I know you can step into the arena and grapple with shame, you can dare greatly.