*Trigger warning. Think about your mental health before reading. Take care of yourself.*

A semicolon is a form of punctuation in writing where the author could have stopped but chose to continue. It's become a symbol over the years for suicide awareness and to pay tribute to those in which we've lost this way.

Two years ago, when my oldest brother passed away, some of my family members and friends went and got semicolon tattoos for him to commemorate his suicide and his fight with depression. I didn't. Instead, I got a tattoo on my shoulder that has a rose he drew for me in it, my mom's name and dates and his name and dates.

In a leaf at the bottom is a heart in his handwriting, because he used to sign his notes and birthday cards to me with that little heart. It's been two years and I've decided to get my semicolon tattoo. When? I don't know. But I do know it's time because now it means so much more than commemorating him, it means keeping me here too.

Two years ago, the day my brother disappeared, he called me at lunch while I was in school. He said he loved me and made me make a promise. He said, "Promise me you'll go to school. That you'll be someone. You will do good things, I believe in you. Promise to do your best, ok? I love you, Angelica" and hung up. That was the last time I heard his voice.

I want to get my semicolon behind my ear to symbolize the last time we spoke. The promise that was made in that minute and fifty two second phone call.

For me now, it means more than keeping a promise to him. Now it means keeping a promise to my family, my friends, my boyfriend and everyone I've come to know.

This year, I decided to seek help for my mental illnesses. I struggle with anxiety and depression. It really truly is a struggle and a constant battle. To me, the semicolon symbolizes the times I've sat in high places looking down at the ground and thought "What if?". It symbolizes the times I've laid in bed and thought about never moving again. It symbolizes the moments of my life where the sound of my own heartbeat in my ears drove me insane and I just wanted it to be quiet.

Now that I see a counselor and she's fantastically helping me with this, we've come to the conclusion that I don't really want to die. I'm too aware that I have a purpose here, whether I know what it is or not. I have nieces and a nephew that I WANT to see grow up and be successful. I have a relationship that I enjoy being in and that I want to see grow. I have friendships that I never want to lose.

But why have I done these things? Because when you miss someone so much it physically hurts, sometimes you want to do something to make you feel close to them. See, I never had the intention of jumping and ending my life, but I sat there and thought about it. I've realized that I can't jump and I never WILL jump because I've seen the aftermath of suicide and I would never want to inflict that kind of pain on anyone I care about.

Since getting help, I've tried this thing where every day I wake up and lay in bed and think about one thing I'm grateful for or one thing that makes me happy. The trick with this habit is that it turns into a list quickly. Every day I turn that list into motivation. It's like "This is why I'm here." or "These are the reasons I will stay."

To me, the semicolon tattoo symbolizes losing my brother and promising to continue with my life, as well as my silent daily promise to my loved one that I'll continue to fight, I will always make the choice to continue, and I will always be here. of all my tattoos, this little bit of ink under my skin will mean the most to me.

I have a whole world I want to explore, babies in my family to love with all of my heart, memories to make and smiles to paint on my loved one's faces. I have things to do and places to be. No matter how hard it gets, I promise I won't give up.

To those who share this struggle, Try the list. When you wake up, think of ONE thing that makes you happy. That's your reason to stay today. Do this every day. Write it down. You have so many reasons to be on this earth, but today you only need to think of one. At the end of the month, look at your list. Those are the reasons you have been put here on this earth. Stay. You are so beyond loved. You are golden. You are beautiful. You are precious. You have love all around you. Don't forget. Never stop fighting. Continue always.