Take a breath.

Let it out.

Take another breath. Make it deeper this time.

Remind yourself you are breathing. You are alive. You are loved. You are needed for better things.

I remember a time where I was driving home from my second job and I lifted my gaze from the white Chevy Malibu that had been going ten under the speed limit. I saw a bunch of heavy grey clouds, but among them was a sliver of blue. I felt my breath hitch in my throat as I choked on tears. Something as simple as the light blue sky had moved me to tears. I had been living so long in deep waves of black and grey that I had forgotten what it was like to live in color. That was when I opened my eyes and started to look around at the other people who made up the ocean around me.

"I'm gonna kill myself"

Always followed by laughter and then silence. Occasionally someone clears their throat. There's an unspoken barrier between an overused line and the truth. The truth of the matter is, it's only one more bad day. One more low point before that phrase is spoken again and the room is heavier. The glances focus on the speaker but no one dares to ask the speaker are they okay. No one asks how they are.

Another laugh. This one is followed by a downward glance before my mouth opens:

"Hey what are you doing after your class?"

Reach out past that barrier. Do it for them.

The ocean calms but the sky is dark. Looking further I see the anger. The strain of friendships all based upon selfishness and tiptoeing around one another. It hurts both people, and one gets clingier the more the other pulls away. Speak your mind and end the conflict. If the issue isn't resolved then consider letting the toxic friend go for your sake.

Learn the difference between being there for someone mentally ill and being a victim to an abuser.

I take a deep breath and sink deeper below while the sun rises. I see an endless abyss of the unspoken and feel a deep pain in my chest that makes me recoil in agony. Am I good enough for my family? Am I a failure if I have anything less than a 4.0 in my courses? Am I the abuser? Am I a victim?

imsorryimsorryimsorryimsorryimsorry

I rise above the waves with fresh tears streaming down my cheeks. I hug myself and keep quiet about the breakdown that silently occurred while others slept. My heart bleeds from painful words and words unsaid. My mind is cluttered with situations and worries. What can I do to make it better? How does the pain go away when it's been ingrained in me for so long and left to fester and grow?

Take a breath.

Let it out.

Take another breath. Make it deeper this time.

Remind yourself you are breathing. You are alive. You are loved. You are needed for better things.

Lay flat on your back and press a hand to your chest. Remind yourself that you were given a chance to live a life and that you still have time to achieve greatness. Now close your eyes and curl up. It's late and the world sleeps. So should you.

Wake up.

There is no ocean of grey around you. No one screams but the birds do chirp outside. Turn on the lights and be greeted with the colors around you. This day is new but you are plagued with what can't be changed so what do you do?

You roll over and reach down for a pen and paper. No problem is solved by laying around but it is impossible to solve all of them at once. Take it slow and work on it piece by piece. Those issues. Those problems. All of it never occurred overnight and you aren't a failure if they aren't solved overnight. Give them time. Give them care.

Love yourself for the miracle you are.