It happened. I hit a point where I felt broken.
I always try to keep a positive outlook and a radiant optimism in every situation. But when it got to the point where it was exhausting to keep a smile or useless trying to brighten someone's day– I felt like I was malfunctioning. There is no more of a sickening feeling than the feeling that you've lost your radiance.
It's so easy to spiral into a cone of negativity. It just feels so easy to go from one thing that's gone wrong into a giant array of things — things that should be minuscule. So when I reached that point this past week, I wallowed for a long time. It took me a long time to get out of bed, to stop the tears from flowing and to gain the confidence to look people back in the eye. People were noticing it around me and I couldn't help but feel ashamed for being so drastically uncharacteristic.
But during a late night of not sleeping — my thoughts began to go in a different direction. During this life on Earth, there is nothing in our own control. Small things, yes. But ultimately, not getting a certain job, not getting the boy, not getting selected into a society or something is not up to you. What you can control is your outlook on it.
For this reason, I have chosen gratitude. I'm thankful to be where I am and to be surrounded by the people I have. In my four years of college I have made the best friends and together we have created amazing memories — so when the positivity is hard to reach it's important to remember why you care so much. I'm thankful to have enough passion to care about a goal to highly that when it's not achieved I'm devastated, and seeking gratitude for those and with those around you makes failure a much easier burn to handle.