People always told me throughout middle and high school that I had overly-high standards. Looking back, I can begrudgingly admit that they were right; in looking for relationships, my expectations were truly lofty. My philosophy was, “Take the best of the best, and don’t settle for anything less”, and back then, that seemed completely logical to me. Most of the guys who became interested in me soon turned out to be jerks, creeps, or sometimes both, and I became somewhat jaded with the idea of dating. Now that I’m in college, I’ve had a bit of time to grow as a person and realize that if I want a relationship, I have to go out and pursue one, instead of waiting on Prince Charming to waltz in and save me from my 8:15. It took a lot of frustration, praying, and late night chats with friends, but now I can confidently say that I would happily give almost anyone a chance (unless they’re a serial killer or whatnot). But… this article is not about me. I did my growing, and now I have a wonderfully kind, hilarious, and gosh darn attractive boyfriend (go me!) because I decided to put my big girl pants on and say yes to a coffee date. No, this is a message for all of those who are still struggling with what they want out of a potential relationship with someone.
Knowing what I know now, it concerns me when I hear people say they won’t even think about pursuing someone unless they meet certain criteria. Half the time, they don’t even seem to know exactly what criteria they have in the first place; they just base it all on ‘gut feeling’. Now, don’t get me wrong, you’re supposed to listen to your instincts, that’s why we have them, but all too often I see them come between someone and a potentially great relationship. How will you know if someone meets your standards/expectations until you give them a chance to show you? No one is going to be ‘perfect’, even if they seem that way on the surface. It’s likely that no one will ever meet all of your criteria, but that’s the beauty of relationships and love in general. A lot of people I know just don’t seem to get that, and I completely understand, because I used to be the exact same way.
I was always told, “You simply date someone to find out if you want to be in a relationship." It’s not some binding contract that will ruin your life if you decide against it, like I used to think. And it’s not awkward either; at least, it shouldn’t be. I have talked to many who share my old opinion that dating isn’t worth it unless you’re both 100% sure you like each other, or else it will just end up a cringe-worthy mess. While a first date can certainly be a bit awkward (I nervous-chatter apparently), think of it as giving you four things: first, you get the opportunity to meet someone new, or get to know someone better, isn’t that exciting? Secondly, a date gives you the chance to practice your communication skills, as you need to balance talking about yourself and listening to the other person. Third, you could end up with a new relationship, or even just a new friend. And lastly, even if you decide you both can’t stand each other, you come out of it learning something new that you can apply to subsequent dates. If you go into dating with this mindset, you’ll likely come out feeling much more satisfied and less like you're floundering around in the dark.
My last point deals with self-perception in dating and relationships. Several times, my friends have expressed to me that they won’t go after someone because of how they view themselves. They feel like they don’t look attractive enough, they don’t have the right personality, they’re not ‘popular’ enough, etc. I can always empathize with their sentiments; I’d be lying if I said I didn’t struggle with those thoughts myself. The thing is, though, everyone deals with this at some point or another, we’re only human. What you have to learn, is to accept yourself for the way you are and be content with that. It’s one thing to continually grow and set goals for yourself as a person, but if you want to change who you are at your very core, there is something wrong. My friends (you know who you are), I will tell you that you will never be too big, too small, too loud, too shy, or too different. I love you, because, to me, you are ‘perfect’ in just being yourself. Accept yourself with all your perceived shortcomings or faults, and you will soon learn to forget them, and someone will find them absolutely, irresistibly charming. So go on out there, and don’t close yourself off; give love, and accept love readily, and for Pete’s sake, take that wonderfully imperfect person you have on your mind out to coffee!
“You don't love someone because they're perfect, you love them in spite of the fact that they're not.”
― Jodi Picoult
