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Adulting

Learning to Say No

It's easier than you might think.

Sarah Sullivan

Jul 27, 2019

Fordham University

Sarah Sullivan

When you were a kid, I'm sure you were told "no" at one point or another. Whether to a purchase of a toy, playdate or dessert, this denial of your desire probably resulted in an upset in one form or another. I vividly remember screaming on the Barnes and Noble floor over a book I wanted and giving my mom the silent treatment for an hour when she wouldn't let me have a piece of Dubble Bubble. It's silly, right? But the truth is, no one likes being told no. Ever. And though our reactions currently may be softer than the temper tantrums of our childhood, it's still upsetting to be told no. However, perhaps even more upsetting than being the one on the receiving end, is being on the giving end of the denial. To say no is really, really difficult. We fear what could come from saying no: criticism, rejection or appearing selfish or cold. But with seemingly more and more people feeling burned out and overwhelmed each year, placing limits and setting boundaries are becoming incredibly important for us to utilize. You cannot do everything.And that's okay.

So, let's start with the basics...

Setting boundaries isn't wrong

Nor is it selfish, nor impolite, nor improper. You are allowed to put a limit on how much you do. This isn't to say that you can miss deadlines or break promises, but you don't have to pack your schedule to the brim and say yes to every social event, football game and shift on days you can't work. Although there will always be those unavoidable things on our to-do list, forcing yourself to participate in activities isn't an okay thing to do, especially if something makes you feel uncomfortable. Whatever you choose to do with your own time should be what you want to do, not what somebody else wants you to do. Just like a car can't go without gas, you can't go when you feel drained of energy, or don't even possess the mental fortitude to check your texts. And this brings me to my next point...

Identify what drains your battery

There are those certain situations that just seemingly suck the life out of us. Maybe you can't deal with talking about a particular topic or sitting still for a long period of time. Personally, I am most drained by large social gatherings and trying to give relationship advice. Being able to identify these circumstances will give you the power to limit your exposure to or alter the scenario you find exhausting. Obviously, you can't avoid your job or school altogether, but you can make friends with a coworker/classmate or find an energizing activity to enjoy in your downtime.

You can be honest

Unless you actually have lunch plans with your grandparents, you probably shouldn't tell someone that you do. Though lying may seem like an easy way to lessen the blow or deflect blame onto something else, keeping up with lies can be difficult and messy. No matter how petty and stupid your real reason may seem, it's almost always better that you be transparent and say that you need a nap or just don't feel up to whatever the plans may be. Plus, lying to a friend is arguably a lot worse than making plans for a different time.

You should always be your first priority

We live in a culture of toxic altruism where it's seen as noble to always put the needs of others before your own needs. It's a wildly unsustainable way of living. Think of your time and energy in terms of food: if you feed everyone else before feeding yourself, you'll go hungry and won't possess the energy to feed everyone again. In order for the needs of others to be met, you need to meet your own needs first. And that's not selfish. It's not okay to be your only focus, but it is more than okay to focus on yourself.

Finally, saying no is a skill that can be practiced

You don't have to dive in and start turning down invitations to high school reunions to get out of the discomfort and ignoring calls from Aunt Linda to avoid her bad energy, but you can start with small things. For instance, if you're offered a seat on a crowded subway car, politely refuse (as long as you're okay with standing for the duration of the ride). You can write out a script for yourself, practice saying "no thank you" or "I'll pass" in the mirror, think through the situation in your head or remind yourself that you do indeed have the right to decline an offer and that it is so very okay to say no.

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Recommended for you

Learning to Say No

It's easier than you might think.

Setting boundaries isn't wrong

Identify what drains your battery

You can be honest

You should always be your first priority

Finally, saying no is a skill that can be practiced

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The Best Lines from the Fab Four

And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make

The sun is up, the sky is blue, it's beautiful and so are you

Love is old, love is new, love is all, love is you

There's nowhere you can be that isn't where you're meant to be

Life is very short, and there's no time for fussing and fighting, my friend

He say, "I know you, you know me", One thing I can tell you is you got to be free

Oh please, say to me, You'll let me be your man. And please say to me, You'll let me hold your hand

It was twenty years ago today, Sgt. Pepper taught the band to play. They've been going in and out of style, but they're guaranteed to raise a smile

Living is easy with eyes closed, misunderstanding all you see

Can you hear me? When it rains and shine, it's just a state of mind

Little darling, it's been long cold lonely winter. Little darling, it feels like years since it' s been here. Here comes the sun, Here comes the sun, and I say it's alright

We danced through the night and we held each other tight, and before too long I fell in love with her. Now, I'll never dance with another when I saw her standing there

I love you, I love you, I love you, that's all I want to say

You say you want a revolution. Well you know, we all want to change the world

All the lonely people, where do they all come from. All the lonely people, where do they all belong

Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends

Hey Jude, don't make it bad. Take a sad song and make it better

Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away. Now it looks as though they're here to stay. Oh, I believe in yesterday

And when the brokenhearted people, living in the world agree, there will be an answer, let it be.

And anytime you feel the pain, Hey Jude, refrain. Don't carry the world upon your shoulders

I'll give you all I got to give if you say you'll love me too. I may not have a lot to give but what I got I'll give to you. I don't care too much for money. Money can't buy me love

All you need is love, love is all you need

Whisper words of wisdom, let it be

Blackbird singing in the dead of night, Take these broken wings and learn to fly. All your life, You were only waiting for this moment to arise

Though I know I'll never lose affection, for people and things that went before. I know I'll often stop and think about them. In my life, I love you more

Obviously the best superpower.

There have been many lessons learned.

1. The importance of traditions.

2. How to be thankful for family and friends.

3. How to give back.

4. What the word "community" really means.

5. That it isn't about the destination, but the journey.

6. The consequences of making bad choices.

7. To trust people, until you have a reason not to.

8. To be welcoming and accepting of everyone.

9. How to be my own, individual person.

10. How to work for what I want.

11. How to be great at giving directions.

12. How to be humble.

13. To be well-rounded.

14. How to be great at conflict resolution.

15. The beauty of getting outside and exploring.

16. To be prepared for anything.

17. That you don't always have to do it alone.

18. How to be creative.

19. To brush off gossip.

I have never been so thankful to know you.

Dealing with the inevitable realities of college life.

Don't freak out

Email the professor

Attend the first class

Keep attending class

Have a backup plan

Remember that everything works out at the end

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