When you were a kid, I'm sure you were told "no" at one point or another. Whether to a purchase of a toy, playdate or dessert, this denial of your desire probably resulted in an upset in one form or another. I vividly remember screaming on the Barnes and Noble floor over a book I wanted and giving my mom the silent treatment for an hour when she wouldn't let me have a piece of Dubble Bubble. It's silly, right? But the truth is, no one likes being told no. Ever. And though our reactions currently may be softer than the temper tantrums of our childhood, it's still upsetting to be told no. However, perhaps even more upsetting than being the one on the receiving end, is being on the giving end of the denial. To say no is really, really difficult. We fear what could come from saying no: criticism, rejection or appearing selfish or cold. But with seemingly more and more people feeling burned out and overwhelmed each year, placing limits and setting boundaries are becoming incredibly important for us to utilize. You cannot do everything. And that's okay.
So, let's start with the basics...
Setting boundaries isn't wrong
Nor is it selfish, nor impolite, nor improper. You are allowed to put a limit on how much you do. This isn't to say that you can miss deadlines or break promises, but you don't have to pack your schedule to the brim and say yes to every social event, football game and shift on days you can't work. Although there will always be those unavoidable things on our to-do list, forcing yourself to participate in activities isn't an okay thing to do, especially if something makes you feel uncomfortable. Whatever you choose to do with your own time should be what you want to do, not what somebody else wants you to do. Just like a car can't go without gas, you can't go when you feel drained of energy, or don't even possess the mental fortitude to check your texts. And this brings me to my next point...
Identify what drains your battery
There are those certain situations that just seemingly suck the life out of us. Maybe you can't deal with talking about a particular topic or sitting still for a long period of time. Personally, I am most drained by large social gatherings and trying to give relationship advice. Being able to identify these circumstances will give you the power to limit your exposure to or alter the scenario you find exhausting. Obviously, you can't avoid your job or school altogether, but you can make friends with a coworker/classmate or find an energizing activity to enjoy in your downtime.
You can be honest
Unless you actually have lunch plans with your grandparents, you probably shouldn't tell someone that you do. Though lying may seem like an easy way to lessen the blow or deflect blame onto something else, keeping up with lies can be difficult and messy. No matter how petty and stupid your real reason may seem, it's almost always better that you be transparent and say that you need a nap or just don't feel up to whatever the plans may be. Plus, lying to a friend is arguably a lot worse than making plans for a different time.
You should always be your first priority
We live in a culture of toxic altruism where it's seen as noble to always put the needs of others before your own needs. It's a wildly unsustainable way of living. Think of your time and energy in terms of food: if you feed everyone else before feeding yourself, you'll go hungry and won't possess the energy to feed everyone again. In order for the needs of others to be met, you need to meet your own needs first. And that's not selfish. It's not okay to be your only focus, but it is more than okay to focus on yourself.
Finally, saying no is a skill that can be practiced
You don't have to dive in and start turning down invitations to high school reunions to get out of the discomfort and ignoring calls from Aunt Linda to avoid her bad energy, but you can start with small things. For instance, if you're offered a seat on a crowded subway car, politely refuse (as long as you're okay with standing for the duration of the ride). You can write out a script for yourself, practice saying "no thank you" or "I'll pass" in the mirror, think through the situation in your head or remind yourself that you do indeed have the right to decline an offer and that it is so very okay to say no.
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- Stress relief: When and how to say no - Mayo Clinic ›
- How to Say No | Science of People ›
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- 7 Tips for Saying No Effectively | Inc.com ›
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- How to Say No: A Guide to Saying No Politely | Grammarly Blog ›
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