I never got to say goodbye.

I lost my grandmother over a year ago. It was the hardest thing I've ever been through. It felt like someone had ripped my heart straight out of my chest. She raised me but we hadn't spoken in months. By the time I got to her, she was just a shell hooked up to machines. I crumbled by her bedside sobbing. I wanted to just lay down next to her and leave with her hand in hand.

You taught me everything.

I have vivid memories of our conversations and everything that we did together. I am a firm believer that she made me who I am today. I even chose my engagement ring to impress her. She never got to see it, though. I was too busy being angry with her. I couldn't bring myself to forgive her for the vile things she had said. You see, I was her favorite which was great for me but horrible for everyone else. Death doesn't make you perfect and my grandmother had her flaws. She wasn't always the nicest person and she hurt a lot of the people around her. While she loved me and treated me like gold she would hurt some of the people I loved with her words. That was just as painful to me.

I'm sorry.

So I stopped speaking to her. I thought I was teaching her a lesson. It was the most idiotic thing I could have thought of. I missed her every day. She was my best friend. I know she missed me too. I should have been more mature and addressed things head on. Instead, I drove a wedge between us that didn't fix our other family problems. I failed at mediating for my family.

I love you.

For months after her passing, I dreamt of her daily. She was always in my dreams. The sight of her kept bringing to tears. I couldn't help but wonder if things had been different if I sat her down and spoke to her like an adult. I wonder if things would have been different if I asked her to speak to a counselor. I think we all had this idea that she was going to live forever. She was this strong and opinionated woman and she felt unstoppable. In my last moments with her, I saw how vulnerable and tiny she had really been. Regret filled my body.

I'll make you proud.

I believe she is in a better place. I know she's experiencing a happiness now that she's never experienced before. It took a long time but I finally got my closure. One day, I imagine, we will reunite and have the conversations that we never got to have. I imagine that we will sit across from each other drinking tea like we used to and talk about all the things we missed out on. I'll share with her what I accomplished and how I tried to make her proud.

Goodbye.

Say the things you want to say now. Life is too short to not do so.