In 2016, my New Year’s resolution was to lose weight.

On December 30, 2016, I was discharged from three months of eating disorder treatment. You see, when I made that resolution a year ago, I was already sick. I was suffering in secret, even refusing to admit to myself that I had a disorder. For months, I believed the voice that told me I wasn’t skinny enough to be sick, that told me I had to keep losing weight, that I wasn’t good enough. I bought new clothes as I lost weight, stopped going to the dining hall because the sight of all the food made me unbearably anxious, and when friends asked why I was only eating carrots for dinner, I’d say I wasn’t hungry because I’d eaten a lot earlier. That was rarely true. There were days when I would stare at half a granola bar, unable to eat it, and weeks where even a banana was “too much”. I developed an overuse injury from exercising too much that led to me being unable to walk for months.

Having an eating disorder is torture. It is a civil war within you, your mind fighting against your body’s natural instincts to stay alive. It is a way to slowly kill yourself. It makes you hate yourself. It makes you hurt your body every day, starve it and abuse it. It tells you that you’re disgusting, that you’re fat, that you’re not sick enough to get help. I was in denial for so long because my eating disorder was lying to me, telling me that I wasn’t sick. It takes all of your energy and mind space. I couldn’t concentrate on anything because the only thing I could think about was how many calories I’d had that day, and if I could afford to eat dinner that day. Having an eating disorder is like being in an abusive relationship. It tells you it has your best interests in mind, makes you feel like it’s the only one that cares about you. It makes you isolate yourself, drives you away from the people and things you care about. All it does is hurt you, but it’s so hard to break up with it.

I spent three months in treatment, learning to heal my mind and body. I learned what balance looks like, how to understand the difference between my “ED voice” and my “April voice” and how to talk about the darkest pieces of my mind. I spoke the things my eating disorder said to me, and learned I wasn’t alone. And if you’re struggling, I want you to know- you’re not alone.

I’m sharing my story at this time of year because I know that thousands and thousands of people pledged to lose weight this week and while many of them don’t have eating disorders, some of them do. And even if you don’t, I want you to think about why you want to lose weight. Because I can tell you, losing weight doesn’t make you feel better about yourself. There’s no magic number where you’ll be happier or your life will suddenly improve. If it changes people’s opinion of you, they’re probably not the kind of people you want in your life. There are better, healthier uses of your time and energy than losing weight.

We need to change the way our culture looks at bodies, and changing our diet talk is essential. Restrictive diets like the paleo diet and the Whole 30 are incredibly popular and I’m sure a lot of people are turning to them as we start the new year. But they won’t make you any happier. Anything that restricts your life and choices like that isn’t something you need in your life. There is no “ideal body”, no matter what Instagram and fashion magazines tell you. There is no such thing as perfect. If you’re trying for a perfect body, you’ll always be disappointed. Here’s a radical idea (that shouldn’t be radical): all bodies are beautiful. I am trying to own my body, and I challenge you to think about doing the same.

This year, my New Year’s resolution is to be healthy. I am going to listen to my body and give it what it needs, I'm going to give thanks for everything it does for me. I choose recovery every day, and it is a challenge every day but I am going to keep choosing it. Let’s all strive for a happier New Year’s, where instead of trying to lose weight, we try to gain joy, instead of trying to break ourselves down, we try to build a better relationship with ourselves. Let's start a revolution of body acceptance this year. Self love is a journey, and I’m trying to take 365 steps toward it this year. I hope you’ll join me.

Here's Colbie Caillat with some words of wisdom that I encourage you to carry with you today:

If you or someone you care about is struggling with an eating disorder, go to the National Eating Disorders website to find resources to get help. Seeking help is incredibly brave, and the first step is the most important. Don't wait until you're "sick enough", seek help now.