Often the disorder high-functioning depression is overlooked due to the fact that many times people do not realize they have it. Those around them may not realize a peer has it, either. I was one of those who did not realize anything was wrong. I always thought that maybe the way I acted or thought was a bit off. And the fact that when I ran I sometimes joked in my head about jumping off a bridge I was running over may not be the best thing. School has always stressed me out because I need everything to be perfect and if something is not done correctly, or fully, I will be very upset. Along with this, I feel the need to be involved in everything. My first week of college I signed up for all these different clubs. I'm taking 16 credits, running cross country, and I'm in ROTC. Yet, I'm still signing up for 6 different organizations. I have a constant need to "do it all". I guess in a sense, I am an overachiever. (A sign of HFD-being tough on oneself/overachieving) If I do well in something or someone compliments me I feel no sense of happiness or pride. It is almost like the value has been taken away and I can no longer feel anything of happiness when in reality, I should be beaming. (Another sign of HFD-loss of value) Not only did I feel a huge loss of pride in myself but I felt my motivation slowly getting less and less. With the loss of motivation, I would get upset with myself because my grades or work would get worse. But, no matter how hard I try, it's difficult to push myself and make myself do something that my mind just does not want to do. Even though I feel the need to be successful and great at everything. I even notice this with cross country and running, often there is no want to get out there and run, even though I know in the end it will make me feel better. It is hard to force myself to do it. (HFD- loss of interest)

When I came to college, my roommate, Riannon became one of my best friends and one of my favorite people. I joked with her about how school made me want to die and drop out. We laughed, and I didn't think I was serious, until one day I realized I was. I told Riannon that I was running one day and we ran over a bridge and in my head I thought "what if I jumped off it?" And I would never kill myself, but the fact that I had this idea in my head made me wonder if I was okay. I told Riannon about this and a few days later she mentioned counseling and the disorder high-functioning depression. I thought about the way I have felt, not just while at college, but over the past year, maybe even years. I realized that I may have not been having an okay mindset for a long time. I didn't think there was anything wrong with me, until the day Riannon mentioned it. I thought I was just stressed out, but she helped me to realize it was so much more.

Now, I can focus on what will help to make me okay and that if I feel like this I need to talk to somebody. I thought that because I wasn't the "typical depressive" that there couldn't be anything wrong with me. I hold down my grades and have a good GPA. I am in sports and I'm active within the community. I have a large friend group and hang out at social events. Yet, there was still something wrong. You don't realize that sometimes "perfect lives" aren't so perfect after all. It's okay not to be okay, and it's okay not to do everything. It's hard, and life is hard, but when you figure out what you need, things can be alright.