combination of my perceptual ascension, with disconnection from my
current reality served not only to isolate my connection with others
but also isolate my connection to what was around me. When looking at
my days of all out restricting and other unhealthy behaviors, I felt
as if there was a fault line between my mentality and my physicality.
It was as if I was blind, but at times my vision would come back but
then when it did I was color blind, only being able to see in black
and white. I remember watching a movie late at night that helped snap
me out of this disconnection, the plot consisted of a hunger strike,
and in the end the main character died. As I watched this I began to
cry, probably for the first time truly realizing I had an eating
disorder and if I continued on this path there would be little
difference between me and the main character.
I still struggle with the notion of a rock bottom, in fact I don’t think I'll ever know if I've hit a so called “Rock Bottom”. I remember, my Dad looking me in the eye and saying “Don't you know what your doing to yourself?” and me, with the taste of blood in my mouth from the sores that accord from restriction, I responded “I'm fine”. The most remarkable thing at the time was I really believed it, I was so close to death but I felt so alive. I felt as if I was starting to attain that perfection that the all to familiar voice in my head insisted if not bullied me into reaching. As I look back I consider the start of my long journey that I'm still in the midst In; being a time of blissful ignorance, and hazy memories.
I know now that if I ever go back I will die, there is no easier way to put it. I personally tend to glorify the days in which I was suffering, and in many ways miss aspects if not the generalized situations of that time. What I'm also aware of is how much suffering there was, and this keeps me from going back as much as I glorify said suffering. This dietetic is hard to sit with, and in many cases uncomfortable to experience, it leaves me feeling conflicted. As I go on with recovery I realize how its acceptable to feel this conflictual glorification ,all of it being normal considering these behaviors served a purpose.
I can sit with these conflicted feelings I have while still moving on with recovery. I can accept the things that I can accept but still have the power to change the things I can. Radical acceptance has shown me how to give up that head on head fight ,and instead shown me how to see these things in my head as story’s and just that. Oh here comes the “I'm weak” story or the “I miss old behaviors story”. I can feel conflicted about them, I can feel sad, or any emotion that comes with them, but it doesn’t mean that these story’s that my brain creates has to shape my reality as they once did. In fact although they are my part of my reality, I admit I sometimes buy into these stories but they are not me. My thoughts are not me, and I am not my thoughts.