Roasting Myself

Roasting Myself

Of my very few talents, offending myself is one of them.

It’s hard to remember a time when my hair wasn’t dyed some offbeat, quirky color (aside from now). Pink, blue, purple, green, or some ugly combination of these. This is a way to showcase my extreme individuality. It makes me special. It’s just as hard to remember a time when I wore something relatively normal looking. Whether it be an atrocious thrifted Alfred Dunner blazer, color blocked 80’s windbreakers, wedgie-giving mom jeans, or bright yellow clown-like Dr. Martens. I describe my personal style as “ugly pretty.” Others would say the same, sans “pretty.” At this point I’m used to being called a hipster, and used to enthusiastically denying it in an attempt to hide the fact that this makes me ecstatic. People say my appearance screams “offended millennial.” And I’m not even an offended millennial. I just like, can’t even believe you think that. Like I’m offended that you think I’m offended.

Shortly after my (very late) 18th birthday this year, I Uber-ed with some friends to a Tattoo and Piercing parlor not far from campus. I know what you’re thinking – that we got regrettable matching tattoos across our chests or un-matching but just as regrettable lower back stamps. Thankfully, you are mistaken. Instead I opted for a septum piercing, something few other liberal teenage girls have. My dad thinks I look like a bull, which is just so narrow-minded. Beauty standards are changing, old man. And besides – it makes me look absolutely unique.

I listen to a lot of alternative, indie music. Anyone with a real record label is a guilty pleasure. I tell people that I liked Neutral Milk Hotel before Will Grayson, Will Grayson came out, even though it isn’t true. My guitar pick from the Violent Femmes concert is my most valued possession. Similar to many Youtube comments on old music videos, I claim I was born in the wrong generation. Deep in my soul, I feel that I was also born in the wrong city. I belong in Portland, not Pittsburgh. I saw Jack White in concert and pretended that I understood why he chose not to play Seven Nation Army. He’s an artist, after all, and shouldn’t be defined by one incredible, amazing, astounding, iconic, awesome, hype song. He shouldn’t feel obliged to play the song that made him famous, for the people who pay his bills.

As you may have guessed, I am a vegetarian. I enjoy twelve dollar avocado toast topped with the weeds that grow in between cracks in the sidewalk from a hole-in-the-wall shop whose menu is written on a chalkboard wall. Kale and quinoa salads are a staple. I threatened to release the family dog back into the wild (where he belongs, even though he would die within six minutes) if they didn’t go vegetarian as well. My hippie mother has taken to this change well. I told her that her spirit guides are smiling upon her. My macho father really has no choice not to. I told him that muscle milk is vegetarian safe, even though I do not know this for sure. Everything else we buy is locally sourced, of course. Not only is it better for our bodies and the environment, but it supports small businesses! Corporations are evil, greedy, sinful, and essentially run by Sith lords.

When I signed the metaphorical offended millennial contract, I agreed to be “woke af," which, of course I am. Rachel Maddow is my queen and king and my sole source of news. Everyone else is wrong. I only trust Rachel. No news is valid until she tells me so. A man I once knew told me he called her “Rachel Mad-cow.” I pulled a few strings and he hasn’t been seen since. I also am a strong advocate for safe spaces, though I am actually quite unsure about what they are. I’m also Bernie or bust – obviously. This was a hard decision, not to support a woman. She was just too corporate. When someone says something I do not agree with, my best option is to retreat to an established bubble of liberalness. I fall asleep to Elizabeth Warren speeches to recover from the ideological attacks. Protesting is my favorite hobby. For DACA, for PETA, against circuses and zoos, for women’s rights, at bra burning rallies, against all beauty companies, against every celebrity who didn’t vote for Bernie, against the patriarchy in general. If I do not remain woke, I will most likely be sacrificed by my peers to Fox News.

To the liberals reading this – do not worry. I’m very liberal, honestly. But I’m also able to make fun of myself and my ideology, and take a roast at the expense of the left. And this is something I think we all need to work on.

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10 Times Barack Obama Was Daddy AF

Plz, come back.

It's been a long known fact that Barack Obama was one of the sexiest presidents of all time. I mean who couldn't fall in love with those dreamy eyes, that gorgeous smile and his killer personality with a height to match? Let's just say 44 is still making me feel some type of way.

Here are 10 times President Obama was Daddy AF.

1. When he appeared on the Ellen show.

2. When he "Slow Jammed the News" on the Tonight Show.

3. Whenever he said "south side of Chicago".

4. Every time he danced.

5. When he listened to music.

6. When he wore Ray Bans.

7. When he made bromances great again.

8. When he was cool with making fun of himself.

9. Literally every time he smiled.

10. When he showed us he is actually a pro at windsurfing.

Cover Image Credit: Barack Obama / Instagram

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6 People Who Would Probably Be A Better Commander-In-Chief Than 'The Donald'

You might not agree with me, and that's OK! That's why this is an opinion piece.

As you may know, it is about halfway through February right now. February is known across the USA as Black History Month. March, which is coming up soon, is also Women's History Month. Given how crappily our current president has treated black people and women during well, most of his life in the media, I thought it would be fun to compile a cute little list of some black people and women (and a few who are both!) who would be a better president than Donald Trump.

*Please take this list with a grain of salt. I am merely a college freshman trying her best. I'm not actually in support of more Hollywood celebrities holding America's highest office.

Off to the races we go! Here are six people of one or more minority group who I think would be better in office than "The Donald."

1. Tammy Duckworth

I'm very proud of Tammy Duckworth as she's from my home state of Illinois. A disabled female Asian-American veteran, Duckworth now serves her country as a senator from Illinois. Before becoming a senator, she represented a district of Illinois in the House of Representatives. She lost both of her legs when the helicopter she was piloting was hit by a rocket-propelled grenade. With her military knowledge as well as her government service, she could be a real powerhouse in the Oval Office.

2. Laverne Cox

In case you missed my little disclaimer in the introduction of this piece, I'm not actually a fan of the idea that more Hollywood personalities should run for President. However, I do think there are many Hollywood personalities that do notable enough activism work at the moment that they would do well in an official government position, and Laverne Cox is one of them.

You may know her as Sophia on "Orange is the New Black," but in real life, she's just as awesome. As a black transwoman, she often promotes awareness for LGBTQ+ youth as well as racial issues. She is the first open transwoman to be on the cover of TIME magazine, as well as paving the way for many other transgender people of the future.

3. Elizabeth Warren

Warren, during the 2016 election, was a favorite of many Bernie supporters due to their collaboration on multiple bills in the Senate. There was also speculation after Hillary won the nomination of the Democratic National Party that Senator Warren, who is from Massachusetts, might be chosen to be Clinton's vice president. However, Tim Kaine was chosen for Clinton's ticket.

Warren has long been in the public eye as a high-profile law professor at many universities even before running for her seat in the Senate in 2012. She supports green energy, voting rights, and is decidedly opposed to Trump's administration.

4. Leslie Knope

Okay, yeah. Leslie Knope is not a real person, and I would not support Amy Poehler as a presidential candidate despite how much I love her portrayal of this character. Leslie Knope has a long history in the government, both small and big-time, and is very dedicated to the people and places she loves. She's very organized, has binders and binders full of ideas, and can become very focused on passion projects. Those are all qualities that our current president does not have that I believe would be very beneficial to the American people if he did.

She's also very feminist, which would always be a nice addition.

5. Deray McKesson

During the Ferguson riots and protests in October of 2014, this Baltimore teacher and activist essentially moved to St. Louis to help organize protests and marches. Eventually, he ran for mayor of Baltimore but lost. He often volunteered his time before the Ferguson protests helping underprivileged children in Baltimore, but upon temporarily moving to St. Louis he was often seen at protests and was even arrested a few times.

His activism may not be a selling point for some who disagree with the Black Lives Matter movement, but would someone who has a problem with this particular candidate I've chosen even read this article? Would they support any of the other people I have decided to put on this list? Probably not. Anyways, McKesson is now continuing his activist pursuits and recently even came to talk at Louisiana State University (Geaux Tigers!) about social justice.

6. Michelle Obama

You knew she was going to be on this list, right? She was a wonderful role model as First Lady and continues to charm the American people with her muscular arms and interactions with the populace. Although she wonderfully fulfilled the role of First Lady while her husband was President, many forget that she is also a graduate of Harvard Law School and has often tried to help better her hometown of Chicago. While she has not yet launched her own political career, I could easily see it happening soon — even if she doesn't ever end up in a bid for her husband's old job.

Cover Image Credit: The White House / Instagram

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