Author's Note: You can find the article that I am responding to here.
When I first started writing this article, the overwhelming tone was anger. I was furious at you--furious at your selfishness, disgusted by your blatant disregard for the other woman your boyfriend was (is?) associated with.
Then, I realized that my anger was misguided. I'm not angry at you, I'm angry that I got cheated on, and I'm taking it out on you. For that, I am sorry.
I'm going to do my best to write this article with grace, rather than vindication--but honesty, nonetheless.
The overarching message of this article is simple: You're in the wrong. If you don't want to hear more, you are welcome to stop reading now. I'm only going to dive into detail about all the ways you're wrong. If you're ready for it, grab a cup of coffee and sit down. I've got a lot to say.
I was cheated on because I am the wait-until-marriage kind, and my boyfriend pretended he was, but he was not.
I wasn't cheated on for the emotional stimulation. I wasn't cheated on because he loved another woman. I was cheated on solely for the sex. The girl he cheated with didn't know he had a girlfriend. The girl he cheated with was deeply remorseful and ended association with him when she discovered that he was in a relationship. The girl he cheated with spoke with me on the phone, and we showed each other grace. I love that girl. I pray for her.
She is dear to my heart because she was bold and courageous, and she made amends for her transgressions. I am proud to know her.
That's how these things are supposed to be handled.
You're not handling this correctly at all.
You may say that you "take no pleasure in the fact that (you) hurt someone, deeply," but you are doing nothing to make amends for your behavior. You do not get to paint yourself as someone who cares anything about the woman whose man you stole because if you cared about her at all, you never would have done this.
You are justifying your behavior because your boyfriend gives you "butterflies?" Because you think he's your "forever person?"
What happens when he meets another girl who feels the same way about him as you do now? What happens when that girl throws these same excuses at you in a halfhearted attempt to absolve herself of guilt while you're clenching your bed sheets and sobbing so hard you can't breathe? She won't care about you. She won't care about your pain.
Just like her, you don't care about the other woman's pain. Your mediocre acceptance of guilt is just your way of attempting to be freed from it. You have never held the woman whom you are hurting in any regard. Please don't pretend like you have.
What do you know of love and respect? How can you fathom the concept of it when you denied it to a sister? The woman you stole from invested and poured into her relationship with the man who is (for now) your boyfriend. She bore his children. She built a life with him. In one fell swoop, you tore it all down.
Do not pretend you understand love and respect. You know only of infatuation and foolishness. You know nothing of the intrinsic values of the words you so absently throw around in attempts to claim them as your own.
I have some choice words for your boyfriend, but this article is about you, not him. Here's what you need to know: He cheated with you, so I can guarantee that he doesn't respect you. He doesn't know how to respect you, or his ex, or anyone. He is too self-consumed to care about anyone but himself. He is a slave to the pursuit of his own happiness, and he will never give you what you need, because he will never put your needs above his own. He doesn't know how. Clearly, neither do you.
What you have with your boyfriend is not love. It is a game. It's fun, and the adrenaline highs are intoxicating. It's an exhilarating ride. But all rides must come to an end, and this game will come crashing down onto you until you are nothing but ashes beneath it.
Listen to me--you have value. You have value and you should demand that you are loved fully and singularly by the man you are with. You should not share his affections with another woman, and she should not share them with you. You should not be the source of his affair. I promise you this: if he cheated with you, he will cheat on you.
Your forever person is not someone who manifestly belongs to you, even if they are constrained by the bond of marriage to someone else. First of all, marriage trumps all. Period. End of story. No bond outranks marriage.
Second of all, love is a choice, not simply a sensation. It is not pithy and mystical, as you make it out to be. Love is not a journey that is without its strife. Thinking that it will be easy is an immature and unprepared perspective. The truth of the matter is, love is war. Here's an anecdotal trope for you: It's not all fun and games. Real, authentic love is the most difficult one-on-one relationship that you will be apart of in your entire life.
Do not doubt for one moment, though, that it is worth it. The most difficult things in life always are.
Love is the noblest of pursuits. Do not tarnish it with your false idea of what it seems to be. Love is not subjective. It is the utmost extension of selflessness and grace. You have shown neither of these qualities. Throughout your entire article, one word remains the resounding tone: Selfishness. Your entire piece screamed me, me, me! It has never been about anyone but you.
You are placing far too much stock in your ability to increase your boyfriend's staying power. You cannot change a man, despite what you may think. You cannot change him. He has two children! If he cannot commit to that, what can he even commit to? Your savior complex is exactly that – a complex. I should know. I'm the foremost of all when it comes to savior complexes. I've lost friendships and relationships because I entered into them truly believing I could save the other person.
I can't. You can't. Just as I have failed, so will you. End of story.
You can't change a cheater. You can't save a cheater. But you can change you, and you can show love to your sisters by not taking from them what is theirs. We have enough to deal with in a society where women are pitted against each other. Why would you seek to further that?
Your boyfriend isn't your forever person. How do I know? Because a forever person is a choice. A choice your boyfriend clearly doesn't know how to make. I suggest you take some time to learn what that choice means, so that the next time you think you've found your "forever person," you'll know exactly what that's supposed to look like.
Whatever you're working through in your life that has caused you to behave in this way, I hope that you are able to get past it. I hope that you are able to see what you're doing as wrong and not spend time justifying it. I hope that you find peace with yourself. I truly wish that for you.
What's more, I hope that you find someone who loves you singularly, whom you love in the same way, who fights battles alongside you and wants you--and you alone. I hope your heart finds that fullness.
Good luck, kid. You're going to need it.
