It's going to be so easy, right?

That's what I thought, too. I thought that when I met my person, it was going to be so ridiculously easy to love them. Love wouldn't be a battle, because my soulmate was mine--they had always been mine, and their fate was intertwined with my own since the beginning of time.

I've watched the world around us; the marriages that end in divorce, the hearts and lives torn apart by separation, the anger and bitter resentment that comes with the end of matrimony. Yet all along, I thought they just got it wrong. Maybe divorce was justified. Maybe they really did marry the wrong person. Maybe divorce was another chance; the opportunity to find the perfect person the second time around. Or the third. Or the fourth.

That's all a lie.

There's no such thing as the "perfect person." I know this is a cliche that we use all the time, but let's just debunk it right now. Relationships are not always going to be sunshine, lollipops and roses. That's okay! In fact, here's the good news: Regulated conflict is healthy. If you're not having conflict and conflict resolution in your relationship, then you might be in an unhealthy relationship. I should know. I was there. I thought my ex-boyfriend and I were an all-world couple because we never fought. The truth was, he was hiding things, and I wasn't being up-front with him. The relationship fell apart in a truly heartbreaking way, but in its wake, I realized just how much I'd been lying to him, and to myself, by pretending that everything was fine. I knew everything wasn't fine, but I convinced myself that if we never had conflict, then we had the perfect relationship and we were perfect people. Not only was that perspective unbelievably arrogant, but it was also ridden with a fear I didn't realize: I hid from conflict because it gave way to an anxiety that I was forced address, and I would have rather lived in the shadows than reality.

Conflict is a good thing because when two people who love each other enter into it, conflict tests the depth of their love. It challenges each person to consider the perspective of the other, to get outside of themselves and to be selfless in the face of frustration. When two people who are characterized by being givers rather than takers enter into conflict, they are more likely to self-evaluate and determine where their faults lie. At that point, they are able to have an honest and realistic conversation with each other, where the sole focus for both parties is to comprehend the other. This is such a lovely and healthy perspective; the conflict fosters a deeper love and understanding for each other.

Conflict is necessary, and it is unavoidable. You will not have a healthy relationship without it. Here's a dose of truth: If a soulmate is someone who you think is going to give you a perfect love story and a ride off into the sunset with no conflict and no problems, I hate to break it to you, but there's no such thing as a soulmate. Not by the standards you hold.

With that being said, I do believe in soulmates, but I'd like to take a moment to redefine the word. A soulmate is someone whose soul aligns with yours in a way that makes you feel more understood, and therefore more loved, than most people make you feel. You might have more than just one. The truth is, though, that a soulmate is never going to be a perfect love. There's no such thing. Why?

Because love is war.

You might ask, "Chrissy, why are you such a pessimist?" To which I would answer, "By no means am I a pessimist. I am, however, a realist, and years of both observing and participating in relationships has led me to three conclusions: all relationships are give and take, all relationships are work, and all relationships are hard."

Let's be real for a second, though? Would you really want to be in a relationship that didn't take work? Would you really want sunshine, lollipops and rainbows the whole way through? The best things in life take work. When you're sitting at your grandparents' 50th wedding anniversary and you see the adoring look they give each other, you don't see the years of anger, screaming, crying, pain, and hard work that came with it. Love is war.

I don't believe in the standard definition of soulmates because I don't believe love is ever easy, and the insinuation behind soulmates is that loving them is effortless. As made obvious in my above spiel, I couldn't disagree more. I do think there are people whose souls align with our own. That just means they understand us on a deeper level and there is a natural intimacy there that we don't experience with other people. I know that for me, it is necessary that I marry a person who has this intimacy. Someone who can enter my silence with me--someone who deeply understands me, and I him, at a level that leaves us feeling completely and wholly accepted by each other.

That understanding is going to take a lot of work. It's not going to be effortless; and despite it, I know that relationship will have its fair share of fights and disagreements. Relationships in any capacity are never easy, least of all worthwhile ones. Pulling the rip cord because of a little bit of disillusionment and discord is the easy way out. However, let's take a moment to disclaim: when there is legitimate abuse and unfaithfulness in a relationship, then exiting it is far more justified and warranted (though change is possible and I am a big believer that everyone deserves a second chance). I am by no means faulting those who are the victims of an unhealthy and oppressive relationship. I think, though, that too many people believe they are the victims in a relationship that is by no means abusive--but because they can only consider themselves, and they believe they're not being treated in the way they feel entitled to, they justify quitting.

I'll say it again because these three words are the truest I've written yet: Love is war. But that person you choose to commit to is your war buddy. They're going to make mistakes. Sometimes, it's going to feel like the war is you against them. It's not. Remember that. Stick with them. Hang in there. Because one day, you're going to be looking in the eyes of the person you spent 50 years with, and everyone will be wishing for a love like yours. You'll look at each other and you'll see the truth--the blood, sweat and tears. The pain. The sadness. The days filled with fighting. The nights of holding each other as you cry yourselves to sleep. The joy of watching your life together, and looking back at all the beauty it holds with each year it passes.

That feeling when they hold your hand. The kisses that still make you weak.

Love is war. But it's worth it.