By Dr. Sanjai Thankachen, Medical Director, Alter Health Group
If you are in the process of rebuilding your life in recovery, you already know how important it is to restore relationships that may have been harmed due to the substance use disorder (SUD). While there is plenty of work to be done in all areas of life, repairing relationships is a top priority.
The quality of your relationships plays a powerful role in reinforcing recovery. Learning to be open and honest in recovery is an essential skillset that helps strengthen connections between you and your loved ones. Cultivating open communication with a partner, spouse, or family member is a key piece in the healing process, as well as helping to build your support network.
Rebuilding Trust in Key Relationships
Interpersonal relationships are built upon trust. Trust bonds may have suffered significantly due to the SUD, but it is possible to repair the bonds and restore your commitments to loved ones in recovery. To help do that, consider these actions:
- Keep your word. Substance use often involves deception and dishonesty that resulted in the rupture of trust bonds. In recovery, you have an opportunity to demonstrate why you can be trusted once again. This renewed trust must be earned through sincere efforts to keep your word and be a person of integrity.
- Honor obligations. Restoring trust rests on actual follow through. Make it a priority to honor your family obligations. This means following through and paying bills on time, picking up the kids from school on time, and helping out with household chores.
- Learn conflict resolution skills. Having disagreements is normal. Healthy relationships flourish, however, because the partners have learned ways to resolve disagreements in a fair and rational manner.
- Respect boundaries. In recovery there will be certain expectations that must be honored. Acknowledge your loved ones' boundaries and respectfully comply.
Repair Relationships in Recovery Through Effective Communication
Learning how to be a better communicator in recovery is essential, not only between couples, but also with colleagues, relatives, and friends. In fact, honest communication not only helps you rebuild trust with the key people in your life, but it is also good for your own emotional state. Being forthcoming about your feelings helps diffuse the pressures of daily life, which can reduce the risk of relapse.
Here are some tips for developing better communication skills in recovery:
- Be Open and Honest. Engaging in meaningful conversations can go a long way toward repairing relationships. Communication based on open and honest relating helps nurture the relationship.
- Become a Better Listener. Improve your communication skills by becoming a better listener. Active listening is a skill that takes time to cultivate. Learn to focus on what the other person is saying, and remain attentive until there is a natural pause in the conversation.
- Body Language Matters. The way you physically communicate is just as important as what you actually say. As you chat with someone, be aware of how you are being perceived. Are you avoiding eye contact? Are your arms folded in front of you? Is you posture signaling that you aren't interested?
- Avoid Becoming Defensive. Nobody likes criticism, but in recovery it is helpful to try to avoid taking things too personally. Instead of jumping to defend yourself, hear the person out, take a moment to reflect on what they are saying, and then respond in a calm tone.
Reconnecting with Your Loved One
In addition to the efforts you make to repair your trust bonds and improve communication, just making time for each other is also a crucial aspect of reconnecting. Learning how to enjoy life, and your partner, without the substance is something that takes a bit of time and patience.
To aid in that endeavor, an effort must be made to reconnect emotionally. How better to do that than through enjoying experiences together? The actual activity doesn't have to be pricey or a big ordeal, it just needs to allow you the chance to enjoy each other's company. Consider these ideas:
- Catch the sunset and pack a picnic
- Go on a scenic hike
- Take a bike ride together
- Go stargazing at midnight
- Engage in a new hobby or sport together
Spotting Toxic Relationships
Among the first steps taken in early recovery should involve identifying which relationships in your life are toxic. Seeing these unhealthy relationships in a clear light is the first step to making fundamental changes. Either the relationship is worthy of working on and saving, or it is not. Either way, toxic relationships must end.
Codependency is one type of toxic relationship that couples can slip into. This occurs when one partner attempts to "save" the person in recovery by acts of martyrdom and misplaced concern. The individual doing the saving is actually suffering from a distorted need to have some sense of purpose in their own life, so will take on the recovering addict or alcoholic as their personal project.
Enabling is a toxic behavior that can also infect a relationship. Enabling usually stems from a place of good intentions, but ends up harming the person in recovery. The "healthy" partner will attempt to make everything easier for the person in recovery, and will take care of their every need. This hinders the ability to develop fundamental recovery skills, which ultimately undermines recovery.
Sources of Support for Couples in Recovery
Couples can benefit from support sources that offer guidance as you move forward in recovery. Couple's therapy can help identify dysfunctional relating behaviors, such as codependency and enabling, and assist the couple in making needed changes. In therapy you can learn conflict resolution techniques, how to set healthy boundaries, and how to improve your communication skills. Therapy helps to reduce stress in the relationship, thereby providing a better foundation for the relationship to flourish moving forward.
About the Author
Dr Sanjai Thankachen completed his residency in psychiatry in 2008 from Creedmoor Psychiatric Center in New York, where fifty percent of his rotations were at Columbia Presbyterian Hospital. After his residency he worked at Ventura County Medical Centers in an adult outpatient setting and now lives in Orange County, California.
Dr. Thankachen's mission at California Rehab Campus is to provide world-class treatment that sets a high standard with science-based practices to treat mental and behavioral health issues. In addition to substance and alcohol abuse treatment, Dr. Thankachen is highly qualified to provide an array of care for secondary disorders, including depression, bipolar illness, schizophrenia, anxiety, and dementia-related problems.
