Social Media. It can be a beautiful thing. You know, like when you’re sitting in class trying to pick out your next shade of matte lipstick. But, it can also be equally terrible, like when all of my terrible tinder dates start popping up as LinkedIn suggestions. This must be horrible revenge karma for ordering top shelf vodka on the first date. Love it or hate it, you’re stuck using it. Unless you want to miss out on these great aspects:

1. Ease of keeping up with friends

Listen, the time will come when not even a daily text message cannot be squeezed in. Not on your walk to Philosophy. Not on your walk to lunch. Not on your walk to a board meeting. You need to take updates when you get get them. And let me tell you this. I am the proudest “aunt” in the world. My best friends from highschool are building this army of tiny, gorgeous creatures. Even though these little nuggets are not genetically my own, I am so pumped for santa to visit, for half birthdays, and for first steps. Facebook makes it easy for me to see all of this – even if we’re 600 miles away from one another.

2. Tiny animals

Maybe your friends don’t have mini-clones yet. Maybe they’re just working boring office jobs. Do not fret – the internet loves tiny animals. You should too. Have you seen that video of the puppies being rescued from the avalanche yet? I am not kidding, I sobbed in the bathroom at work for 10+ minutes after watching. Like, how beautiful.

My Instagram recommendations are all pets. This includes cats with funny faces, hedgehogs who love to take baths, and otters eating baked beans.

AWESOME.

3. Sometimes, it’s funny.

I follow this ridiculous Instagram account called “Best Crosses”. Do I know anything about basketball? NAH. But hearing parents get SO PUMPED during their kids’ basketball games makes me want to rip a phonebook in half.

And memes? Don’t get me started about memes. I don’t care who you voted for, but those Trump Inauguration crowd memes would make a British soldier laugh. Clearly, I melt. My whole body shakes at my desk while I try to conceal hysterical giggles.

4. Weird relatives

They are family after all. Wish Aunt Sherry and Uncle Bob a happy 20th wedding anniversary. Congratulate a cousin you haven’t seen since ‘96 on his high school graduation. Hide your mom’s embarrassing comments from your facebook photos. Do it all online!

Now, let’s all share our mutual hatred for the reason I’m developing a Quasimodo hunchback.

1. Arguing behind the blue screen.

Something about the internet gives the shyest, most reserved people the need to ensure all of their thoughts are heard. ALL OF THEM.

“Pimento is the best cheese.” Well, duh, dude.
“Posting gym photos at 5am is the only way to keep myself accountable.” Cringe. Unfollow.
“I am unfriending anyone who posts #NotMyPresident.” Block.

It’s honestly like that blue screen empowers all citizens of the United States of America to be as nasty as possible. Your grandma marched for women’s rights? Publicly shame her AND uninvite her to Christmas.

Stop that! The Internet does not give you an excuse to be a giant dick. Be civil.

2. People only show what they want you to see

I posted a photo of me post-breakup weeping on Instagram a few weeks (okay - days) ago. I guarantee it got more likes than your smiling face eating a kale salad.

We are human. You do not have to have a permanent smile plastered on your face at all times. You had a bad day? Send a tweet to Blue Bell Ice cream about how they “get” you. Quit pretending your life is 100% perfect. It’s not. Horrible hair days. Smudged cat eyeliner. A Kerri Strug circa ‘96 Olympics haircut. They all happen to the best of us. Especially that last one. Believe me.

But if your life is seriously that perfect, I should never leave the house again. So don’t let any of us in on that secret.

3. The break up

A successful first date leads to a twitter follow. A great second date leads to a instagram friend. A good third date leads to a new facebook friend request. BUT (tires screeching), I will officially go on the record and say this. The next friendship I accept from a tinder date won’t be until after a ring is on this finger, okay? Because I am not able to stand by and watch you update your relationship status to single 15 minutes post-break up.

Then what? Do I unfollow you? Do I unfriend you? Do I block you because I’m feeling extra snarky? I have no idea. So, I’m just going to avoid it until the man is the father of my children. Then, maybe I’ll reconsider.

4. Weird relatives.

Yeah, you may be blood, but if I see one more post about that deer you shot in the backwoods, I will cancel my order for that 30 foot extension cord on your wedding registry.

Also, on the contrary, it has become impossible to hide how embarrassing of a life I lead. I recently chopped all my hair off (see Kerri Strug reference). No joke, not even 15 minutes after a not-so-candid selfie has been posted, grandma had me on the phone to interrogate me.

Real talk, though. Can we all just agree that Venmo is actually the best form of social media? It makes me proud, looking at all of the witty things you’ve come up with to pay each other for. Keep borrowing money. Please.