Often times, boys suck. That's a pretty universal consensus or so I've been told. But there's one thing that never fails me where boys often do: Trader Joe's Speculoos Cookie Butter. Let's face it, it's pretty great all around. For all intents and purposes, going forward, I will be referring to this Cookie Butter as Joe.
My love for Joe knows no bounds and it's clear to see why. Joe's pretty damn popular; he even won the Trader Joe's Customer Favorite Award in 2015. That means he's a charismatic, likable guy that you can gladly bring back to meet your parents and he already has a steady income. (With that in mind, he's already leagues above half of the guys I've dated). So, without further ado, here are 11 reasons why having Trader Joe's Cookie Butter in the cupboard is better than having a relationship.
1. Joe can never leave you.
That's because he's tucked away in an upper cabinet somewhere in your kitchen. Plus, by grabbing a spoonful of cookie butter every so often, you're literally fulfilling his life's purpose (Look at you go! You're truly an inspiration!). He also has no arms and legs, so there's that too.
2. Joe only costs $3.99.
Buying a big ol' jar of Joe is cheaper than even the most inexpensive of date nights, and even cheaper if you have a coupon! But, my is he ever rich in taste.
3. Joe doesn't mind if you're the big or little spoon.
And he'll always be there for you, even on your worst days. Why spoon or get spooned when you can just dip a spoon into cookie butter? Joe will surely be able to cheer you up more than any cuddle session can.
4. Joe is versatile.
Top? Bottom? On a spoon? On pancakes or waffles? With pretzels or celery? How about all of the above? Joe is a master of any and every position. After all, his high school nickname was the Kama Sutra Cookie Butter.
5. You never have to fight about what's for dinner.
Chinese? Italian? More Joe? Whatever you'd like, he's all for it.
6. You never have to fight over what to watch on Netflix with Joe.
Nor will he talk during the movie, which you will choose. He's all for rom-coms, action films, documentaries, even foreign flicks. As long as he's there with you, he's content. Who could ask for more?
7. Joe is not like the other boys
He's vegan but won't talk about it constantly - he's also free of the quintessential vegan man man-bun. He's fine with your open relationship with other food but always comes home (because he's never actually left) at the end of the day.
8. Joe is smoother than any (human) man could ever be.
Smoother than a fresh jar of Skippy Trader Joe's Speculoos Cookie Butter? I don't know, I prefer these lyrics to the original. Like the Powerpuff Girls, he's the perfectly suave combination of sugar, spice, and everything nice.
9. Joe doesn't take up 3/4 of the bed.
In fact, he won't even be in bed with you unless you're a midnight snacker. Let's face it, lots of boys only want one thing, but Joe only wants to make you happy. What a gentleman, right? You also won't have to deal with any snoring, human heaters breathing on your neck, or cold feet touching you.
10. Joe won't leave the seat up.
Because he doesn't ever have to go to the bathroom. That also means that you won't need to clear out a bathroom drawer for him. Added bonus: instead of smelling like stinky, gross boy smells, he smells like cinnamon, cardamom, and nutmeg.
11. You won't cringe at swallowing a mouthful of Joe.
That's right. I said it. We were all thinking it and I just said it. Let's face it, while some boys may be a snack, Trader Joe's Speculoos Cookie Butter is the only one who can truly leave you satisfied.
