Many people say that upon leaving high school you will remain in touch with approximately two people. I met my "two people" senior year of high school. Jen and I met in Spanish class and quickly became best friends, spending every day with each other.
I remember senior year I learned that Jen had cancer when she was younger. She was missing one of her eyes due to the effects of her cancer. As a 17-year-old, I never grasped how significant her experience was at her young age. I, being both young and naive, assumed she would be healthy forever.
Although college and relocations eventually separated our paths, we never lost sight of the importance of our friendship.
When Jen told me she had cancer again, I remember being in shock, and subconsciously refusing to believe it. After repetitive self-analysis I convinced myself the less I spoke about it the less it was real that she was sick.
During the time that Jen was sick, I could have been around a lot more. It was difficult to face the reality that she was fighting for her life. I always assumed she was going to get better. Her demeanor, her strength, and refusal to let others see she was hurting led me to convince myself she'd get better.
When it became evident that this was the end of the road, that my childhood best friend would soon be reunited with those who passed before her, I was numb. I began to realize what I couldn't before. Jen wasn't going to get better. I began to feel a lot of regret. I consistently thought of times I was too tired after work that I could have been spending time with her, and I broke down.
I knew with days nearing the end of her life, I needed to make it up to her. I reunited her with all of our closest friends for one last joyful yet sad reunion. I spent every last day with her including the night she died. I was never able to verbalize my emotions, but I believe Jen knew. Finally, I memorialized her with an amazing eulogy. However, my regrets did not disappear.
From my experience I can only offer advice to those avoiding the possibility of the death of a loved one. Don't avoid your emotions. Tell your friends or loved one how you feel. If you're too tired one day to hang out with them, suck it up and enjoy the time together. For time is not certain, and you don't want to be left wondering if those who died knew their place in your heart. Most importantly, do not avoid it; avoidance does not make cancer go away. Be there for your friend. Even if you’re silent, your physical presence can mean the world.
Although I know my friend wouldn't agree with me and quickly dismiss the ways I feel I should have been a better friend, I still want to say:
Wherever you are right now, Jen, know that I should have been a better friend. You're missed beyond belief and I believe you know it. I miss you.
